Parasitic Relationships Provide “Narcissistic Supplies” Lacking in the Narcissist

James Tobin, Ph.D.

Narcissistic individuals “parasitically” relate to others to extract psychological nourishment rather than cultivate authentic interpersonal connection, intimacy, and mutual need fulfillment. 

KEY POINTS

• Healthy narcissism (what psychologists call “primary narcissism“) refers to the organic and essential human need early in development for the child to be seen, validated, and celebrated by a parental figure who is empathically attuned, dependable, and consistent.
• When the child’s healthy narcissistic needs are not met, a significant wound occurs which fragments the child’s fledgling sense of self; the consequence is the development of a personality style with a narcissistic orientation centering on the compulsive need to attain from others what is lacking internally (“narcissistic supplies“).
• Relationships for narcissistic persons are parasitic arrangements designed to secure the narcissistic supplies they lack. There are two types of narcissistic supplies narcissists seek in their relationships (romantic, work, family, etc.): (1) the external validation of others, and (2) others’ behaving in ways that are aligned with the needs and expectations of the narcissist.
• If others fail to comply with providing these narcissistic supplies, they may be subjected to an arsenal of strategies the narcissist employs to “convert” his or her target to conforming with the conditions of the parasitic relationship.

Healthy (“Primary”) Narcissism: Identity Forms in the Reflections of Others 

“Narcissism” has been well popularized and is now often erroneously associated with anyone demonstrating an inflated sense of self-importance, selfishness, or a strong desire to be recognized for his or her unique qualities and attributes.  While these factors may indeed be indicators of possible narcissistic tendencies, popularized generalizations about the phenomenon of narcissism overlook two important facts:

• Narcissism, at its core, is not inherently pathological, and, in fact, is a key element necessary in the developmental process for laying down the foundation of self-esteem.
• Narcissistic individuals are not confident or self-assured as is so commonly characterized, even though their entire personality is organized to convey as such; rather, narcissism conceals a fragile core of identity in which a deep-seated insecurity perpetuates a relentless pursuit of external validation.

In its most basic “primary” form, narcissism is a healthy component of early development.  The child does not yet have a “self,” and so looks to the outside world (mostly caregivers and close family members) to ascertain what his or her self via the reflections of others.  For example, if the child sees in his mother’s face an excitement and joy when they are together, the child translates these relational signals into signposts for who he or she must be: I am joy; I cause excitement and happiness; When I reach for something with my hand, others watch with fascination and wonder – I must be fascinating and wonderful.

Another important component of these formative interpersonal interactions involves the child’s sense that caregivers are empathically attuned, well-balanced, and emotionally regulated, skilled at anticipating and responding to the child’s physical and emotional needs and feeling states.

When all goes well, the child’s early relational experiences lay down the foundation of the child’s self-esteem, filling it up with what psychologists term primary narcissistic supplies.  Essentially, the child comes to believe that he or she is special, just for being alive, and that those around him or her respond skillfully and consistently to what the child needs.  From these reflections, the child forms a sense of self that is secure, stable, and validated, and that generally expects relationships to provide what is needed.

Heinz Kohut, the renowned theorist, clinician, and psychoanalyst who formulated much of our current knowledge about narcissism in his self psychology perspective, coined the term “selfobject” to encapsulate the relational process described above.  For Kohut, children who are not yet a “self” bind to “objects” (in his terminology objects refers to caregivers) and use reflections from these objects to ascertain and organize their identity early in life.

Narcissistic Wounding

According to Kohut, the seeds of narcissistic pathology are sown when the child’s innate need for reflective “mirroring” from others and empathic attunement (caregivers who optimally respond to the needs and feelings of the child) are systemically compromised.  Instead of the child receiving reflections of validation, acceptance, and emotional regulation/soothing, these selfobject needs are frustrated, leaving the child’s emerging sense of self fragmented.

Additionally, there may be the emergence of shame, i.e., with the child’s needs invalidated and/or unmet, he or she will likely interpret this to mean I am too much, What I feel or need is wrong, or I am wrong.  These biased and faulty conclusions create a narrative that negatively impacts the child’s evolving self-esteem and capacity to form secure attachments with others.  The child begins to assume that others cannot be relied upon to provide what the child needs.

Early fragmentation of the child’s sense of self, shame-based beliefs, and presumptions about the unreliability of others coalesce to form what is frequently referred to as a narcissistic injury or wounding. Once this wounding occurs, the stage is set for the development of psychological adaptations and defensive strategies that are designed to prevent any further narcissistic wounding.

The Two Types of Narcissistic Supplies Sought in Parasitic Relationships

For Kohut, in healthy development the child’s selfobject needs are met.  Rooted in the reflections of, and interactions with, caregivers, the child’s early identify is grounded in the following components:

• a sense of one’s unique “specialness” simply for existing in the world and the belief that one’s feelings are important and valid.
• the assumption that others will respect, and can generally be relied on to respond favorably to, one’s needs.

Once these components are laid down into the fabric of self-esteem, the child moves through development already having internalized the narcissistic supplies necessary for life. 

This enables the gradually delinking of the selfobject construction of one’s identity.  That is, the “self” evolves and ultimately exists separately from the “object” (i.e., others’ reflections), arming the individual with self-assertive ambitions, internalized values, and a belief in and respect for oneself that can bear rejections, disappointments, and the negative reflections of others that will undoubtedly occur across one’s lifetime.

However, for the individual who has suffered early narcissistic wounding, Kohut’s notion of the selfobject remains intact and, unfortunately, is not delinked, embedding the individual in an ongoing pursuit of confirmation of the self through others that extends into and throughout adulthood.

Consequently, narcissistic supplies are sought in relationships not based on mutual need fulfilment, appropriate boundaries, or the recognition that others possess free will, are fallible, and have their own thoughts, feelings, and desires that may change over time or unexpectedly and illogically.

These factors are essential for relational intimacy, which the narcissist cannot tolerate. Rather, relationships are parasitically organized to avoid intimacy (and the possibility of being narcissistically wounded) but with the intention to extract from others what is needed.

Two different types or sources of narcissistic supplies are sought, and these roughly correspond to the two major subtypes of narcissism that have been documented:

The “grandiose-exhibitionistic” narcissist

• This narcissist is characterized by an overt sense of superiority and a tendency toward exploitative and entitled behavior.
• He or she is fixated on recognition and admiration.
• Other people are not individuals with their own distinct needs, but, rather, members of this narcissist’s audience.
• This narcissist exists on a metaphorical stage, motivated only be putting forth a performance that gains applause and positive feedback from his or her audience.

The “covert,” “silent,” or “vulnerable” narcissist

• This narcissist is counter-dependent, i.e., injured and perhaps shamed by previous narcissistic wounding, he or she is no longer willing to be vulnerable again to the inconsistencies and unpredictability of others.
• Relationships are therefore approached with the intention of securing people into well-defined roles, commandeering them to act in particular ways, and gradually opposing their subjectivity, free will, and efforts to fulfill their own needs rather than the demands of the narcissist.
• This vulnerable narcissist is hypersensitive to perceived slights, criticisms, and challenges to his or her grandiose self-perceptions; threats to his or her fragile self-worth can result in the occurrence of narcissistic rage, which is a common feature of interpersonal abuse cycles experienced in relationships with narcissists.

Organized to perpetually seek what he or she lacks, the narcissistic person engineers relationships to fill the void left by previous narcissistic injuries.  It is important to note that the narcissist’s drive to gain supplies from others is typically unconscious, at least early in the formation of personality. Yet, at some point, especially when a target person may resist the interpersonal arrangement the narcissist seeks, a range of tactics and strategies may be utilized by the narcissist who acts with an awareness and intentionality to overcome the target’s resistances.

Codependents Are Easy Targets for the Narcissist

You may think of the developmental formation of narcissistic and codependent tendencies as opposite sides of the same coin.

Early in development, as Kohut theorized, when selfobject failures occur and the forming self becomes fragmented, the pathway toward narcissism is marked by a defensive avoidance of any further reliance or dependence on others for need fulfillment and empathy, preventing any further vulnerability.

The pathway toward codependence occurs in the context of similar selfobject failures.  However, for the codependent, he or she does not seek to avoid any further vulnerability.  Rather, vulnerability to others precisely becomes the adaptive mechanism chosen to support a complete surrendering to, and investment in, anything the other may need or want (usually at the expense of what the codependent may need or want).

With narcissists, therefore, the codependent volunteers for, and is gratified by, serving as the host for the narcissist’s parasitic bonding, welcoming and utilizing it as a source of identity and self-definition (i.e., the codependent believes I am defined by what my narcissistic partner wants and needs).

Given the codependent’s adaptive mechanism of surrender and securing one’s self-definition through adherence to another, codependents are easy targets for narcissistic individuals as there is no resistance to the narcissist’s supply needs.  The codependent is a wiling and able volunteer who will literally sacrifice him- or herself for the narcissist.

Relationships that are based on the easy pairing of narcissist-codependent personalities have been well documented, especially in the work of Ross Rosenberg (see his book The Human Magnet Syndrome), and are common in many social domains including romantic/marital, work, family, and friendship.

“Converting” Others Who May Resist Parasitic Engagement

If the person targeted by the narcissist is not codependent, a conversion process ensues in which the narcissist uses any number of psychologically manipulative strategies to overcome the target’s resistance and gain his or her compliance.  Perhaps the most well known of these tactics is “gaslighting,” but there are many others.

The goal of these tactics is to break down the “healthy narcissism” of the target, i.e., the confidence, strength, self-esteem, and inner sense of self (capacity to listen to one’s own voice or intuition, etc.) the psychologically stable target person possesses (and, of course, the narcissist lacks).

Over time, especially in contexts such as the workplace where inherent power differences may exist, the narcissist capitalizes on whatever he or she can to scrutinize, and create doubt in the mind of, the target.  As the conversion process continues, a traumatic interpersonal situation may evolve in which the target gradually loses his or her sense of self, emotional stability, and capacity to maintain a boundary with the narcissist.  Ultimately, if this conversion proceeds to its end goal, the narcissist literally extracts the target person’s self-esteem and psychologically “feasts” upon it, transforming the target into an empty codependent who has been parasitically compromised and deflated.

In cases where the conversion process is blocked or obstructed, the narcissist will often discard the target.  Or the target may choose to leave the narcissist.  However, in my clinical experience, this is the less frequent outcome as the conversion process is often so powerful and difficult to extricate oneself from.

The Complex Aftermath of Narcissistic Trauma  

Narcissistic supply refers to the psychological nourishment individuals who have been narcissistically wounded early in development seek from others.  Because intimacy and vulnerability cannot be tolerated, narcissists resort to the pursuit of parasitic relationships to get the supplies they are lacking and to support their counter-dependency.  Paradoxically, their narcissistic wounding, and the defenses developed to counteract future injury, unfortunately limit opportunities for narcissists to forge healing relationships in which they are seen, understood, and accepted.

Instead, interpersonal relationships with narcissists are, by their very nature, manipulative, exploitive, and ultimately traumatic as the target person is subjected to intense efforts to diminish his or her self-esteem, personal boundaries, and self-agency.  Narcissists employ a range of strategies including projection, denial, and distortion (features of “gaslighting” as well as other common narcissistic tactics) to convert the target to the role of compliant host.  Parasitically extracting the psychological supplies they need from their host, narcissists obtain temporary relief from a dark inner void.

For individuals who have been targeted by narcissists and entangled in the dynamics of the parasitic relationship structure, it is important to recognize that a significant traumatic abuse experience has likely occurred.  The psychological dynamics of “trauma bonding” are often at play which make it particularly challenging for the targe to ultimately disembed from relationships with narcissists.  Even long after there is no further contact with the narcissist, the target person him- or herself is left narcissistically damaged, thereby incorporating the developmental wounds of the narcissist and frequently suffering from similar cognitive, emotional, and behavioral difficulties associated with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Additionally, because the target’s inner strength, resilience, and self-worth has been so profoundly negatively impacted by the narcissist, this may make the target susceptible to a psychological “identification” with the narcissistic abuser as a means of resolving the trauma.  That is, for some individuals, attempts to cope may unconsciously be diverted to an internalization and modeling of the narcissist’s dynamics.  When this occurs, another conversion process is re-initiated by the narcissist’s target with a new target, thus extending the lifecycle of narcissistic injury and perpetuating parasitic bonds.