My Approach

My approach to couples therapy focuses on the following:

A Clear Definition of Goals

Each partner pragmatically defines, and comes to an agreement on, what issues need to be addressed and resolved in treatment.

Needs Analysis

The needs each partner has of the other are specified, and the degree of satisfaction and dissatisfaction with regard to these needs being fulfilled in the relationship is assessed.

Defusing the Blame Game

The blame game is confronted and approached as unhelpful for progress, i.e., effort is directed at mitigating the occurrence of harsh criticism, contempt, and judgment between the partners while still providing a forum for the authentic expression of thoughts and feelings; the tendency to find fault in one’s partner is approached from the perspective of circular causality (see below).

Individual Accountability

Each partner is supported in taking accountability for their part in the problems of the relationship.

Circular Causality

The capacity for each partner to identify and accept his/her own accountability for problems in the relationship is further assisted by understanding causal links or chains of reaction that plague the couple. For example, if partner A approaches partner B with a critical or harsh tone of voice, it is more likely than not that partner B will respond negatively. These chains are often quite complex with many contingencies, i.e., in the example above, partner A approaches with a harsh tone of voice because he/she is upset and angered by partner B’s withdrawal from partner A the night before. The ripple effect of unresolved disappointments and failed interactions can become quite heated and dramatic as each partner unknowingly influences the other in ways that increase the probability of negative blowback rather than acceptance and neutral or positive engagement.

Greater Awareness of Issues that Translate into Action

What is promoted in treatment is a view of the relationship as a complex system of interlocking components that have aligned outside of the couple’s awareness to create dysfunctional dynamics; with new insight and efforts at translating the awareness of these dynamics into more functional ones, the culture of the relationship can be altered in positive ways.

Transition from Enemy to Ally

Therapy sessions are used as opportunities to find ways to re-organize and re-position each partner’s experience of the other so that a transition from enemy to ally occurs; this involves expanding the conclusions reached about one’s partner and rigid beliefs about intimacy into more refined and realistic perceptions and expectations.

Interdependence that is Tolerant but Also Growth-Producing

The therapeutic seeks to establish a relationship based on mutual interdependence; the historical issues, personal limitations, and vulnerabilities of each partner are tolerated and empathized with, but within a crucible that also promotes growth and development.

Visit Dr. Tobin's Office

15615 Alton Parkway
Suite 450
Irvine, CA 92618

Hours
Monday: 8am - 8pm
Tuesday: 8am - 8pm
Wednesday: 8am - 8pm
Thursday: 8am - 8pm
Friday: 8am - 8pm
Saturday: Closed
Sunday: Closed