Appearance, Shame, and Identity: The Work of Benjamin Kilborne and Its Implications for Psychotherapy

Psychoanalyst Benjamin Kilborne (see his book Disappearing Persons: Shame and Appearance) proposes a new conceptualization of shame: he sees shame not merely as an internal emotion linked with self-esteem but a necessary component of identity development that fosters authenticity, self-perception, and self-expression. His notion of “imaginative knowing” emphasizes the relational phenomena associated with shame, including the importance of recognizing how others see and experience us.

KEY POINTS:

• Shame is a universal human experience rooted in our social nature and is linked to cultural expectations of appearance, success, and other culturally sanctioned variables.  In Western society, social media emphasizes presenting a curated version of oneself; this is powerful factor that may negatively impact or even obstruct our perceptions of ourselves.
• Childhood experiences of shame in the relational context organize distinct psychic domains: internal self-perception and perceived external validation.
• These two psychic domains shape our sense of self and lay the groundwork for adult identity.
• Moderate shame can serve as a social regulator, while excessive shame can be detrimental to psychological well-being.  Shame inhibits creative expression, increases self-censorship, and obstructs one’s capacity to be vulnerable and aligned with self-experience.
• Kilborne’s “imaginative knowing” identifies a form of intuitive understanding that is largely unconscious yet holds the potential to recognize how we are perceived and the discrepancies between those perceptions and our internal reality.
• Kilborne’s therapeutic approach involves exploring the roots of shame in early experiences and relationships, addressing the imaginative aspects of shame and self-perceptions, incorporating body-focused techniques to work with physical manifestations of shame, and considering cultural factors in the development and expression of shame.

Shame and Identity Formation

Benjamin Kilborne is a psychoanalyst and author of Disappearing Persons: Shame and Appearance.  The focus of his work is on shame and how it is intertwined with identity formation and development across the lifespan. The shame/identity relationship begins in the earliest stages of development, where the origins of self-perception occur in our interactions with caregivers and the world around us. Kilborne posits that shame is not merely a reactive emotion but a fundamental component in the construction of our sense of self.

The formation of identity, according to Kilborne, is inextricably linked to our ability to navigate the complex terrain of shame. From our first moments of self-awareness, we begin to form a concept of who we are based not only on our internal experiences but, also, on what we perceive others’ perceptions of us to be. This dance between internal reality and external validation creates a framework within which shame can either foster growth or hinder development.

Kilborne argues that the experience of shame in early childhood plays a crucial role in shaping our adult identities. When a child encounters situations that evoke shame – whether through explicit criticism or subtle cues of disapproval – he or she begins to internalize these experiences as reflections of his or her inherent worth. This internalization process can lead to the formation of what Kilborne terms “shame-based identities,” where individuals come to view themselves through a lens of inherent inadequacy or unworthiness.

However, Kilborne also emphasizes that shame is not inherently destructive. In moderate doses, it can serve as a social regulator, helping individuals align their behavior with societal norms and fostering a sense of connection to the larger community. The key lies in the balance, i.e., too little shame may result in a lack of social awareness, while excessive shame can lead to crippling self-doubt and isolation.

The Role of Appearance in Self-Perception

Kilborne’s exploration of shame and identity places significant emphasis on the role of appearance in shaping our self-perception. In a world increasingly dominated by visual culture, the way we appear to others – and how we imagine we appear – is a central factor in the construction of our identities. Kilborne argues that this preoccupation with appearance is not merely superficial but deeply rooted in our psychological makeup and social interactions.

For Kilborne, our sense of self is intimately tied to how we believe we are perceived by others. This belief is not always based on reality but, often, on our imagination and interpretation of social cues. Kilborne suggests that we are constantly engaged in a process of “imagining ourselves in the eyes of others,” a phenomenon that can significantly impact our self-esteem and behavior.

This focus on appearance extends beyond physical attributes to encompass our social presentation, achievements, and perceived status. In essence, Kilborne argues that we are continually performing our identities, seeking validation and acceptance through the way we present ourselves to the world. This performance, however, can lead to a disconnection between our authentic selves and the image we project.  Importantly, for Kilborne the space between authenticity and presentation is the experience of shame.

Cultural Attitudes and Pressures

Kilborne argues that cultural narratives around success, beauty, and worth significantly shape how individuals experience and express shame. Different societies place varying emphases on individual achievement, conformity, and self-expression, all of which contribute to the formation of shame-based identities. For instance, cultures that highly value individual success may foster a greater sense of shame around perceived failure or inadequacy, while those that prioritize collective harmony might generate shame around behaviors that disrupt social cohesion.

Kilborne draws attention to the increasing globalization of beauty standards and the role of media in shaping our ideals of appearance. He suggests that the proliferation of images depicting idealized bodies and lifestyles creates a pervasive sense of inadequacy, fueling appearance anxiety and shame. This phenomenon is particularly evident in the age of social media, where constant comparison and the pressure to present a curated version of oneself can exacerbate feelings of shame and unworthiness.

In contemporary Western society, Kilborne notes the pressure to maintain a certain image has intensified. This heightened awareness of appearance can lead to what Kilborne terms “appearance anxiety,” a persistent fear of being judged negatively based on how one looks or is perceived by others.

Moreover, appearance intersects with issues of power and control, according to Kilborne. By attempting to control how we appear to others, we are, in essence, trying to control how we feel about ourselves by controlling how others see us. This dynamic can create a cycle of anxiety and shame, as individuals struggle to maintain an idealized image that may be at odds with their internal experiences.

Kilborne also explores how cultural attitudes towards emotional expression and vulnerability influence experiences of shame. In societies where open expression of emotions is discouraged, individuals may develop more internalized forms of shame, leading to a greater disconnect between their inner experiences and outward presentation. Conversely, cultures that value emotional authenticity may foster different manifestations of shame, perhaps centered more on the fear of not being “true” to oneself.

Kilborne’s Notion of “Imaginative Knowing”

Imagination plays a central role in Kilborne’s understanding of shame and identity. He suggests that our ability to imagine how we appear to others is a fundamental aspect of human consciousness, one that both enables social connection and creates the potential for shame.

This imaginative capacity Kilborne calls “imaginative knowing”; in his view, it encompasses our intuitive understanding of ourselves and others that goes beyond rational thought. The unconscious, in Kilborne’s view, is not merely a repository of repressed thoughts and desires but a dynamic force that continually shapes our conscious experiences.

He argues that shame operates at both conscious and unconscious levels, influencing our behavior and self-perception in ways that may not be immediately apparent.  The imaginative knowing dynamics unique to every individual allow us to anticipate others’ reactions and adjust our behavior accordingly, but they can also lead to excessive self-consciousness and anxiety about how we are perceived.

The Impact of Shame on Relationships and Social Interactions

Kilborne argues that shame plays a central role in regulating social behavior and maintaining social bonds. At its most basic level, shame serves as a social emotion that helps individuals align their behavior with societal norms and expectations. However, when shame becomes excessive or chronic, it can significantly impair an individual’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.

For Kilborne, individuals struggling with deep-seated shame may engage in a variety of defensive behaviors designed to protect themselves from perceived judgment or rejection. These behaviors can include:

• Withdrawal and social isolation
• Perfectionism and overachievement
• Aggression or defensiveness
• People-pleasing and excessive compliance
• Avoidance of intimacy or vulnerability

Kilborne suggests that these shame-driven behaviors can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where a person’s attempts to protect him- or herself from shame may reinforce feelings of unworthiness and disconnection from others. This cycle can lead to a pattern of unsatisfying relationships and social interactions, further entrenching the individual’s shame-based identity.

The impact of shame on relationships is particularly evident in intimate partnerships. Kilborne argues that shame can interfere with emotional intimacy, sexual expression, and the ability to be vulnerable with a partner. Individuals struggling with shame may have difficulty accepting love and affection, constantly questioning their worthiness of care and connection. This can lead to patterns of sabotage in relationships or a tendency to choose partners who reinforce their negative self-perceptions.

In the context of family dynamics, Kilborne explores how shame can be transmitted across generations. He suggests that parents who struggle with their own unresolved shame may inadvertently pass these feelings on to their children through their parenting styles, emotional responses, and explicit or implicit messages about worth and acceptability.

Kilborne also examines the role of shame in broader social contexts, such as workplaces and communities. He argues that shame can significantly impact the ability to assert oneself, take risks, or contribute fully in professional and social settings. This can lead to underachievement, missed opportunities, and a sense of alienation from one’s social and professional networks.

Shame, Creativity, and Self-Expression

Kilborne argues that shame often acts as a powerful inhibitor of creative expression. Individuals struggling with deep-seated shame may find themselves paralyzed by fears of judgment, criticism, or exposure when attempting to share their creative work with others. This can lead to a pattern of self-censorship, where potentially valuable ideas and expressions are stifled before they can fully emerge. Kilborne explores the concept of “creative shame,” which he describes as a particular form of vulnerability that arises in the act of creation. This experience of shame is intimately tied to the risk inherent in bringing something new into the world, exposing one’s inner vision to the potential judgment of others.

However, Kilborne also suggests that the experience of shame, when consciously explored and worked through, can serve as a wellspring of creative inspiration. He points to numerous examples throughout art history where artists have drawn upon their own experiences of shame, vulnerability, and alienation to create deeply moving and transformative works. In this sense, the creative process can serve as a means of metabolizing shame, turning painful experiences into something meaningful and potentially healing.

Moreover, Kilborne examines how cultural attitudes towards creativity and self-expression can shape individual experiences of shame. In societies that highly value conformity and adherence to traditional norms, creative expression may be met with skepticism or outright rejection, potentially intensifying feelings of shame for those who dare to express themselves in unconventional ways. Conversely, cultures that celebrate innovation and individual expression may create different pressures around creativity, perhaps generating shame around a perceived lack of originality or failure to meet high standards of artistic achievement.

Kilborne’s work invites all individuals, regardless of their artistic inclinations, to consider how shame may be limiting their self-expression in various areas of life.

Therapeutic Approaches to Addressing Shame

Kilborne argues that shame, at its core, is an interpersonal emotion that arises from our fundamental need for connection and acceptance. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected from others and unworthy of love and belonging. In this context, empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another – becomes a vital tool for reconnecting individuals with themselves and others.

Consequently, Kilborne views the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for healing shame.  He suggests that being empathically understood in psychotherapy can help individuals struggling with shame to feel seen, heard, and accepted in their full humanity. This experience of being empathically understood can provide a corrective emotional experience, challenging the deeply held belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy of connection.

Kilborne also argues that effective therapy for shame-related issues must go beyond simply addressing surface-level symptoms or behaviors. Instead, he advocates for a deeper exploration of the roots of shame, including early childhood experiences, family dynamics, and cultural influences that have contributed to the formation of shame-based identities.

Kilborne further emphasizes the importance of addressing the imaginative aspects of shame in therapy. He encourages therapists to help clients explore their imagined perceptions of how others see them, recognizing that these often-distorted views can significantly impact self-esteem and behavior. By bringing these imagined scenarios into conscious awareness, clients can begin to challenge and reframe their assumptions about how they are perceived by others.

Finally, Kilborne advocates for a therapeutic approach that acknowledges the body’s role in experiences of shame. He suggests that shame often manifests in physical sensations and postures, and that working with these bodily experiences can be an important aspect of healing. This may involve techniques such as body-focused mindfulness or exploring the physical manifestations of shame through movement or gesture.

Conclusion: Integrating Shame, Identity, and Self-Acceptance

Kilborne emphasizes the pervasive influence of shame on various aspects of our lives, from our earliest experiences of identity formation to our adult relationships and creative endeavors. He illuminates the ways in which shame operates both consciously and unconsciously, shaping our behaviors, self-perceptions, and interactions with others in subtle yet powerful ways.

One of the key insights that emerges from Kilborne’s work is the recognition that shame, while often experienced as a deeply personal and isolating emotion, is fundamentally rooted in our social nature and our need for connection. This understanding opens new possibilities for addressing shame, emphasizing the importance of empathy, relational healing, and cultural awareness in overcoming shame-based patterns.

Kilborne’s exploration of the role of appearance and imagination in shaping our experiences of shame offers valuable insights for individuals seeking to develop a more integrated and authentic sense of self. By recognizing the ways in which we imagine ourselves to be in the eyes of others, and learning to challenge these often-distorted perceptions, we can begin to free ourselves from the constraints of shame-based identities.

Moreover, Kilborne’s work invites all individuals to consider how shame may be influencing their lives and relationships, offering pathways for developing greater self-awareness, compassion, and resilience in the face of shame-inducing experiences. By learning to recognize and work with our shame experiences, we can locate new possibilities for growth, connection, and personal fulfillment.