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Denial is typically understood as a psychological defense in which the reality of a person or situation is intolerable for some reason, cannot be consciously acknowledged, and so is forced into areas of the mind where it remains concealed, tucked away, out of reach.

 

For example, a woman who is becoming romantically involved with a man notices his frequent and excessive temper flare-ups. The temper flare-ups are so aversive and threatening to her that her mind may simply not be able to tolerate the reality of his temper and to protect herself from it. Her mind may fall into a state of denial about what is actually happening.

 

Her denial may seem surprising, even difficult to understand, especially if her BF’s temper evolves into violence. But her denial should not be judged – it is actually quite natural, even expectable, for several reasons.

 

First, we are social beings. Given this fact, we often see our partners positively. Some experts even argue that we see our partners idealistically – we see them through rose-colored glasses.   This is because we are highly motivated to bond and so our mind is susceptible to overlooking / even relatively substantial negative characteristics / of our partners. This fuels denial.

 

Second, denial is quite common in adult romantic relationships. As infants and young children, we were primed to attach and accommodate to our primary caregivers, despite our caregivers’ idiosyncrasies, flaws, and limitations. We had no other choice really – we needed to find a way to comply with our caregivers because we were entirely dependent on them and in no position to negotiate much about these relationships. This tendency to accommodate to the limitations of others with whom we are bonded persists into adulthood – and becomes activated once again when a romantic relationship forms.

 

In summary, given our tendency to see a significant other through rose-colored glasses, along with our capacity to comply with and accommodate to a loved one, we are highly susceptible to denying many aspects of our romantic partners and about ourselves in relationship with our partners.

 

Now, here, let me introduce a concept I call “mystificaiton” — you can think of mystification as perhaps the most important phase in all romantic relationships, the phase that occurs if and when denial is overcome. Mystification is actually a very good thing – but it can only occur when denial is no longer operating, when a person’s mind moves past denial.

 

Mystification is essentially what occurs when another person’s attitude or behavior literally mystifies you – meaning, with regard to your partner, say, you come out of denial and consciously acknowledge that something about your partner – what he or she is doing or feeling — does not make sense to you given what you know and have assumed about your partner, and what you assumed your partner would do if he or she truly cared about you. For example, if the woman in our example becomes mystified by her BF’s temper flare-ups and realizes that when he screams at her in rage, something is very wrong – she has moved beyond denial and entered a state of mystification.

 

As mystification emerges, she is now faced with the challenge of revising how she sees and understands her BF and how she sees and understands herself in relation to him. And she must come to terms with whether or not she wants to stay in the relationship and, if she stays in the relationship, how will she stay in it. I’m talking about mystification mostly as coming to terms with what someone does in relation to you, but of course what is also involved is becoming mystified about your own behavior in relationships – falling out of denial about your own self and recognizing something about yourself you had not been able to see before.

 

Mystification may be quite painful, of course, because when denial is lifted / all that was being sequestered away now surfaces / and must be dealt with. If your partner has an affair, for example, a period of denial about the possibility of being betrayed and about your partner’s propensity to have an affair may finally give way to mystification. Once mystified, you will now be forced to integrate this new piece of data (the affair) into everything that you once knew – or thought you knew — about your partner and the relationship. There is a new truth, you might say, about the relationship.

 

Some people, of course, may begin to be mystified but unconsciously move back into denial, ultimately residing in a kind of idealized fictitious sense of their partner and the relationship. This is a key component of codependent relationships in which a primary dynamic of codependency is one partner gradually losing his or her own subjective sense of what is happening. Both partners’ feelings and views begin to blur together – both partners literally begin to think and feel alike – they become one entity, one mind! And unique individual perspectives or desires ultimately become impermissible.

 

On the other hand, and this is obviously the recommended course of action, some people overcome denial and enter and tolerate mystification — which then allows for the deconstruction of prior existing narratives about the relationship and the formation of updated and more reality-based narratives. In a sense, each partner sees themselves, and each other, more clearly.

 

In the 1995 film “Leaving Las Vegas,” Elizabeth Shue’s character “Sera” initially denies the depression and intense self-sabotaging drive of Nicolas Cage’s character “Ben.” However, as the film progresses, Sera gradually allows herself to be mystified by Ben’s addiction to alcohol and his unremitting commitment to destroy himself. If Sera remained in denial about Ben, she probably would have resorted to ongoing attempts to get him into rehab or possibly may even have left him. Either would have been feasible and justifiable options for her.

 

Instead, the film evolves into a kind of homage to mystification and what it can yield. Through the mystification process, Sera relinquishes, and ultimately redefines, the narrative of her relationship with Ben. In so doing, she discovers channels of intimacy as well as extraordinary aspects of her own identity that had not been available to her before.