Infidelity

Caused by many factors, infidelity is a complex issue that is rarely successfully treated with “a one size fits all” approach. There are many different types of infidelity (emotional, sexual, etc.), with varying degrees of severity, sources of motivation, and receptivity to therapeutic intervention.

Infidelity could represent an individual predisposition or defensive personality style, a psychological defense against intimacy/vulnerability, a relational dynamic co-created and mutually-determined by both partners in the relationship, the natural consequence of not being able to assert one’s needs within a relationship, and/or the consequence of an underlying sexual compulsivity or addiction.

Because of the complex, multidimensional quality of infidelity and its impact on all parties involved, patients present for psychotherapy in numerous roles, i.e., having cheated on his/her partner; having been betrayed or suspecting betrayal; or being the third person involved in the triangle, unaware of or complicit in the infidelity. Partners who have been betrayed often suffer not only an emotional trauma, but are often faced with significant internal conflict as they decide whether or not they want to leave the relationship or try to work things out.

An insidious, powerful aspect of infidelity involves the traumatic nature of the betrayal. Whether it is discovered or not, infidelity consists of numerous levels of traumatizing action at each point in the triangle of betrayal, i.e., the injury being done to the partner who is betrayed; the injury being done to oneself (i.e., for some patients, infidelity is an act of self-destruction/self-sabotage); and the injury being done to and by the third party involved in the triangle. Even after infidelity may be resolved within a couple, guilt for participating in the act of traumatizing one’s partner, and, conversely, the post-traumatic effects of being betrayed, may linger far longer than the compulsion to cheat or the affair itself.

Depending on the specific elements of the circumstances involved, infidelity may be approached with individual psychotherapy, couple therapy, or a co-occurring (conjoint) individual and couple therapy.

When I conduct couple therapy for infidelity, before forgiveness and repair even become potential options, a common need for the betrayed partner is to express to the participating partner how he or she has been hurt or angered by the affair. The participating partner, in turn, is faced with the challenge of sympathizing with his/her partner while at the same time identifying, communicating, and coming to terms with his/her own motivations for the infidelity.

In an individual psychotherapy format, whether the cheating has been disclosed or discovered, or still remains a secret, the unfaithful partner benefits from a non-judgmental therapeutic relationship that attempts to uncover the numerous factors playing a role in the proclivity to cheat. Once these factors are identified and understood, the work turns toward developing the capacities necessary to sustain and utilize intimacy productively.

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