Narcissism and Co-dependence (Empathic Tendencies)

There has been a rise in the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in recent years, which consequently has resulted in an alarming rate of relationships (romantic, professional, etc.) becoming established by, and organized within, a pairing framework in which a co-dependent is bonded with a narcissist.

Alarmingly, narcissistic personality tendencies are manifesting as early as late childhood/early adolescence. If these tendencies are not addressed therapeutically at this early point in the lifespan, they hold the potential to intensify and persist into adulthood.

Narcissistic characteristics and relational strategies are highly toxic and traumatizing. Narcissists are unconsciously and consciously motivated to manipulate and exploit the person with whom they are involved.

Manipulation strategies utilized may run the gamut in severity from subtly influencing and/or “using” the other, to humiliating/shaming the other, to entirely invading the other (“parasitically”) to the point of subjugation. As cults are inherently narcissistic, narcissistic individuals establish “cultish” dynamics in their interpersonal and professional relationships.

Ironically, these dynamics are often reinforced by the situational demands in which narcissists embed themselves. For example, many corporations capitalize on the narcissist’s capacity to coerce employees in the workplace, an ability that is often misconstrued as authentic leadership.

Corresponding to a rise in the prevalence of narcissism, there has been a proliferation of co-dependent and “empath/empathic” conditions. Co-dependence refers to a personality style developed over time in which an individual, often unconsciously, achieves well-honed skills in establishing relationships and maintaining attachments by identifying and meeting the needs of the other, often at the expense of one’s own personal needs, desires, and preferences.

In my online seminar “The Five Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist” from The Relationship Video Series, I present the interrelated psychological origins and developmental pathways of narcissism and co-dependence. Defensive strategies usually first employed in early childhood, narcissism and co-dependence are actually two sides of the same coin.

In response to ongoing disappointments children experience with caregivers who, of course, have their own limitations, a child closely monitors and reads the caregiver, and then behaves in ways that optimize getting what he/she wants from the caregiver. This is the organizing motive of a co-dependent personality style, i.e., being intensively attuned to interpersonal cues in order to secure the approval of the other. It is a defensive mechanism that prevents abandonment and guarantees positive appraisal.

In contrast to co-dependence, another defensive option is for the child to give up entirely on getting his/her needs from the caregiver, thereby avoiding any chance of being disappointed again or feeling the shame of his/her own dependency. In this, the narcissistic style, a personality is organized that is motivated primarily to protect oneself against from ever being vulnerable again. Thus, others are not and cannot be loved or desired by the narcissist; rather, others can only be exploited and parasitically destroyed in order for the narcissist to avoid feeling threatened.

The course of psychotherapy for narcissistic and co-dependent conditions can be challenging but ultimately quite productive. Often, the patient comes to recognize long-held emotional injuries and failures of attunement experienced in significant relationships; these injuries tend to leave the patient with intolerable feelings of shame and insecurity that he or she has been attempting to overcome, and defend against, for years.

As these pivotal experiences of rejection and mis-attunement are explored in the therapeutic relationship, and the client’s subjective thoughts and feelings are affirmed, new relational and self-protective strategies can evolve that no longer rely on narcissistic and/or co-dependent strategies.

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15615 Alton Parkway
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Irvine, CA 92618

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Tuesday: 8am - 8pm
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