Nosedive

 

In the Black Mirror episode Nosedive, the main character Lacie is embedded in a futuristic vision of society in which retinal implants allow for social ranking scores to be visible to anyone, and for anyone to provide a rating in real-time that could drive an individual’s score higher or lower. One’s social ranking score is the central focus of society and the primary determinant of privilege and opportunity; it affords, or denies access to, mortgages, online dating apps, job opportunities, restaurants, etc. What is horrifying as the Nosedive episode unfolds is witnessing Lacie’s frenetic concern with garnering positive scores from individuals with whom she interacts and her consistent censoring of herself for fear that if she acts based on how she truly feels, she will be viewed unfavorably and her social ranking score will be driven lower. Even when she is treated poorly by others, Lacie only seeks to find a way to be experienced, and rated, favorably.

 

The Black Mirror series is certainly remarkable in its anticipation of how evolving technology will continue to influence human behavior in the next several decades, but the reality of the show’s predictions may already be upon us. China, for example, has a social credit program. In the Esquire article “A Black Mirror Episode is Coming to Life in China,” the origins of the Chinese social credit program are described:

 

According to Wired: In 2014, the State Council, China’s governing cabinet, publicly called for the establishment of a nationwide tracking system to rate the reputations of individuals, businesses, and even government officials. The aim is for every Chinese citizen to be trailed by a file compiling data from public and private sources by 2020, and for those files to be searchable by fingerprints and other biometric characteristics. The State Council calls it a “credit system that covers the whole society.”

 

And the stakes are high in terms of acting in accordance with the system:

 

Doing volunteer work, donating blood, and recycling can all boost one’s social credit score, while incurring debt or criticizing the government can render you blacklisted, unable to buy property, take out loans, and now, engage in some forms of mass travel.

 

While there is not yet a social credit program in the United States, the thumbs-up/”like” icon, the seminal symbol of social media, perhaps represents the inevitable momentum toward the stripped-down, pollyannaish world depicted in Nosedive in which the human condition is reduced to mere superficiality. A study published in Psychological Science evaluated the influence of social media likes on teenagers. Scientists at UCLA found that when teenagers see large numbers of likes of their own photos or peers’ photos on social media, “their brains reacted in the same way they would when eating chocolate or winning money” (my italics). Additional research suggests a connection between children’s social media status and anxiety, stress, and self-esteem doubts. Evaluating the results of the survey study “Children, Teens, Media, and Body Image,” Whaley summarized several of the most concerning findings:

 

• 35% are worried about people tagging them in unattractive photos
• 27% feel stressed about how they look in posted photos
• 22% felt bad about themselves if their photos were ignored
• 41% of survey takers admit to using social media to make themselves look “cooler”

 

In their review of major trends in the psychological research on children and social media, Time’s “How Social Media is a Toxic Mirror” noted the following:

 

Psychologists found robust cross-cultural evidence linking social media use to body image concerns, dieting, body surveillance, a drive for thinness and self-objectification in adolescents. Note: that doesn’t mean social media cause the problems, but that there’s a strong association between them.

 

Visual platforms like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deliver the tools that allow teens to earn approval for their appearance and compare themselves to others. The most vulnerable users, researchers say, are the ones who spend most of their time posting, commenting on and comparing themselves to photos.

 

One study found that female college students … on Facebook were more likely to link their self-worth to their looks. Interestingly, while girls report more body image disturbance and disordered eating than boys— studies have shown both can be equally damaged by social media.

 

The Emergence of Cultural Narcissism in the United States

 

Although we have not yet reached the age of retinal implantation and social ranking scores, the Kardashians, the college admissions scandal, and the snowplowing parent are iconic images of an American culture that values a self-promotional orientation in which fundamental components of the human condition (e.g., weakness, limitation, imperfection) are concealed or denied. In the book The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations, historian Christopher Lasch argued that 20^th century America was well on its way to stigmatizing humility and, instead, celebrating a preoccupation with image portrayal, the experience and presentation of oneself unburdened by fragility, vulnerability and other elements of the human condition that may be less than ideal. Commentators on the climate of 21^st century American suggest that this narcissistic impulse is growing even stronger. For example, in the Psychology Today article “Is Narcissism the Cost of Being an American?” Gordon C. Nagayama Hall makes the following claim:

 

Americans like to see ourselves as better than others. And research indicates that we are #1 in narcissism. People in the United States are more narcissistic than people in other countries. Narcissism includes being:

self-centered

extraverted

exhibitionistic

self-satisfied

self-indulgent

nonconforming

dominant

aggressive

 

The cause-effect relationship that exists between the individual and the culture in which he/she is embedded has long been debated among sociologists and cultural anthropologists, i.e., in this case, Is a cultural landscape of narcissism causing people to become more narcissistic or is the rise of the prevalence of narcissism simply being reflected in the culture? Whatever the case may be, the lifetime prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as defined by a previous edition of the psychiatric nomenclature presented in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is over 6%, with many experts noting that this percentage appears to be rising. Moreover, estimates of the number of people who are emotionally and/or psychologically abused by narcissistic persons are alarmingly high.

 

Narcissistically Injured, American Teens Seek Narcissistic Solutions

 

The contemporary narcissistic culture in which we find ourselves is inherently damaging to the self-esteem of a significant portion of adolescents. To make matters worse, the narcissistic culture simultaneously provides a means by which youths may cope with these self-esteem assaults, i.e., by adopting narcissistic tendencies. Consider the following points:

 

• At a developmental period of intense challenge to one’s self-esteem, adolescents living in an atmosphere of cultural narcissism that emphasizes perfection, invulnerability and self-promotion feel even more insecure, vulnerable and fragile.

 

• Adolescents’ sense of security and confidence is often negatively impacted by the illusory idealism portrayed in social media, resulting in a host of psychiatric issues including anxiety, depression, suicidality, body image issues, and substance abuse.

 

• An orientation toward personal growth and the value of maximizing one’s potential among teens is being supplanted by new norms of social comparison, perfectionism, social media idealism, and a drive to achieve (not as an end in and of itself, but as a means of negotiating the reality of imperfection and personal limitations).

 

• Socialized and primed by cultural narcissism, a portion of teens will resort to narcissistic tendencies in order to (a) defend against, and cope with, intolerable feelings of insecurity and low self-worth, (b) avoid feelings of need or desire, and (c) protect oneself from any further insults to one’s self-esteem.

 

An important caveat is that my reference to “narcissistic tendencies” among teens should not be confused with typical attitudes and behaviors of adolescents that may be characterized as selfish, self-centered or egotistical. As Johnson and Berdahl aptly point out in their article “The Childhood Roots of Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” “Being egocentric is part of normal teenage development (and) helps [teens] separate from their families a bit and assists them in forming their own unique identities.” These authors later differentiate normal adolescent self-centeredness from narcissistic tendencies, the latter of which “lead to putting oneself first to the detriment of other people’s needs and rights.”

 

The Developmental Pathway toward Adolescent Narcissism

 

In Bleiberg’s compelling article “Normal and Pathological Narcissism in Adolescence” published in the American Journal of Psychotherapy, the following distinction is made:

 

Normal adolescents can construct an ideal that guides their transition into adulthood. In pathological narcissism, by contrast, youngsters crystallize their reliance on an omnipotent sense of self, refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings and vulnerabilities, project onto others disowned self-experiences, and demand public affirmation of their illusory power.

 

What leads to this divergence toward narcissism has been widely theorized and debated, but many experts believe that several key early developmental experiences set forth a trajectory toward narcissism, with resultant narcissistic personality features becoming apparent by adolescence if not sooner:

 

• In the initial 18-24 months of life, the child seeks to be affirmed and validated by caregivers; the child’s healthy and normal “primary narcissism” or “grandiosity” needs are secured by the caregiver’s exuberant praise for, and admiration of, the child’s productions, i.e., celebrating the child’s drawing and displaying it on the refrigerator for all to see. If primary narcissism is not secured in this early phase of life, foundational self-value and a feeling of goodness (“I rock”; “people like me”; “who I am matters”) are not firmly established, thus leaving the child vulnerable to self-esteem challenges that will occur throughout the remainder of childhood and during adolescence.

 

• As the child becomes preoccupied with peer social engagement in the early school years, normal self-esteem doubts are activated as normal, expectable social comparisons and the experience of one’s limitations begin; if primary narcissism (“grandiosity”) was fractured or incompletely formed, the child struggles to re-establish feeling good about him-/herself when, on occasion, the child feels bad about him-/herself.

 

• During middle childhood, the youth looks to available adult resources for a language, a way to communicate about what the child is feeling and experiencing, with regard to self-esteem management, e.g., self-doubt, frustration, disappointment. If these resources are not available, the child suffers by internalizing his or her psychological pain as sources of comfort, validation, and understanding are not accessible.

 

• As adolescence emerges, the narcissistically vulnerable child is further challenged by the social, biological and emotional turmoil of this developmental phases. Typical experiences of self-doubt and insecurity are magnified as social comparison, fears of being accepted, and greater degrees of stress and pressure become more pronounced. Lacking foundational internal sources of self-soothing and personal confidence, the child is poised to adapt narcissistic tendencies to buoy one’s self-esteem, protect/conceal vulnerability, and prevent any further need for, or reliance on, others for support. As narcissistic tendencies are employed, they may ultimately organize into a personality that is configured narcissistically.

 

A Typology of Adolescent Narcissistic Personality Styles

 

Bleiberg has identified three adolescent narcissistic types; the primary characteristics of each type, as described by Bleiberg, are outlined below:

 

The Histrionic-Exhibitionistic Type

 

• Sense of self [is organized] around the adolescent’s talents or beauty, coupled with an ongoing need for admiration and attention from others.
• They feel exhilarated when they find confirmation but become spiteful or feel crushed when ignored.

 

This is the perfectionistic, high-achieving child who is a stand-out academically or via an extracurricular activity, often reaching regional, national or international recognition. Obviously not all children who are successful are necessarily histrionic-exhibitionistic. The clue that the success represents a narcissistic issue has to do with the intensity of the child’s need to garner success and the degree to which success is merely the currency of self-worth.

 

The Psychopathic Type

 

• Dissociate and deny pain, helplessness, and vulnerability; rigidly attempt to maintain an illusion of control and invulnerability; and ruthlessly exploit, intimidate, and manipulate others.
• They scan constantly for threats or blame and are haunted by the expectation of attack.

 

The 2012 film “We Need to Talk About Kevin” depicts a psychopathic teen who is driven to exploit and manipulate in order to prevent any sense of internal or interpersonal vulnerability. A child who adopts this narcissistic style is at risk for the later development of additional psychiatric issue and life stressors throughout adulthood. However, a portion of psychopathic teens will end up in successful careers in which their personality features are utilized and rewarded; for example, in industry competitive corporations often benefit from managers who draw from their narcissistic and psychopathic personality features to lead and motivate employees, manage performance, and secure executive goals.

 

The Masochistic Type

 

• Self-victimizing, masochistic youngsters organize their sense of self around the experience of being victimized.
• Their apparent helplessness, however, feeds a secret conviction of power and superiority.

 

Lacie of Nosedive would be considered masochistic according to Bleiberg’s typology. Her desperate need for the attainment of narcissistic supplies by gaining the approval of others leaves her vulnerable, easily manipulated, and hesitant to implement appropriate boundaries. The interpersonal style of the masochistic type is also consistent with codependence.

 

In addition to these three types, I would suggest a fourth:

 

The Withdrawal (Failure to Launch) Type.

 

There is an emerging body of scientific evidence indicating that a growing portion of adolescents and young adults experience significant delays in successfully accomplishing key developmental events that lead to the appropriate separation from the family of origin and the attainment of emotional, psychological and economic autonomy. This phenomenon has been coined “failure to launch” and is often linked to the related perspective of deficits in “adulting.” The 2006 film “Failure to Launch” and the 2005 film “Wedding Crashers” provide entertaining depictions of what, in reality, is a syndrome that hijacks the transition into adulthood and entangles the individual in a dependent role within his/her family of origin, confronting parents with the dilemma of how to support their child’s stalled progression while setting and/or maintaining their own boundaries and limits.

 

A perspective on the cause of failure to launch from a narcissistic lens would suggest that these children and young adults lack a firm self-esteem and are unwilling or unable to tolerate further narcissistic injuries that accompany the more substantial challenges and stresses of late adolescence and the transition into young adulthood. Unconscious or conscious fear and anxiety overwhelm the failure to launch child, causing him or her to adopt a strategy of withdrawal: nothing can be lost if nothing is attempted. Consequently, the failure to launch child retreats into a safety zone, often living with his/her parents in the bedroom in which he/she grew up, avoiding academic or professional responsibilities and, instead, engaging in distraction activities including pornography, video gaming, food, marijuana/vaping and internet gambling.

 

Tips for Detecting and Responding to Indicators of Narcissistic Tendencies Among Teens

 

How can we help teens avoid being indoctrinated into the current culture of narcissism? How can we help support the development of healthy self-esteem?

 

Johnson and Berdahl suggest that parents and other adult figures who play a role in the lives of adolescents should be aware of the following attitudes and behaviors that may indicate that the teen has potential self-esteem problems and narcissistic vulnerabilities (i.e., these factors could lead a child to adopt narcissistic tendencies which may ultimately evolve into one of the full-blown narcissistic personality types described above):

 

• Persistent bullying behaviors such as making fun of, threatening, degrading, or scapegoating people (including parents and other adults)
• Persistent need to win no matter who is hurt
• Persistent lying to benefit oneself (will lie about lying, turn lies into someone else’s fault, deflect accountability by attacking messengers who point out lies)
• Egotistical view of extraordinary self-worth
• Preoccupation with getting own needs met over other people’s
• Entitled attitudes which lead to acting as if they deserve special treatment and to get whatever they want, no matter the circumstances
• Aggressive responses to being criticized, wronged, or upset
• Repetitively blaming others for bad outcomes
• And being much more competitive than cooperative.

 

In my own clinical work when advising parents whose children manifest narcissistic tendencies, I have found it useful to direct attention to Bleiberg’s typology and orient parents to addressing the unique narcissistic issues of their child as determined by the child’s type. My recommendations below are geared toward bolstering a child’s self-esteem in ways that would effectively disarm, and gradually make unnecessary, the need for defensive strategies designed to conceal vulnerability and collect hollow reinforcements and validations. By definition, even if some form of validation is attained through narcissistically-oriented efforts, it ultimately fails to bolster self-esteem in any real way.

 

• Histrionic-Exhibitionistic Type: What is important in interacting with this narcissistic type is to teach the child the value not of the “A,” but of what he/she is learning; to encourage new experiences of self-discovery, i.e., trying what the child may not necessarily be good at but is interested in; to model rest, relaxation, and comfort in one’s own skin; to reinforce a family atmosphere of being loved for who you are, not what you do.

 

• The Masochistic Type: For this child, what is helpful is to encourage rebellion, push-back and the display of authentic and/or negative emotions, and to teach/model the value of boundaries. Parents, teachers and others who have relationships with masochistic children need to assess their own narcissistic vulnerabilities, as the masochistic child thrives when interacting with narcissistic adults; for example, a narcissistic teacher who cannot tolerate students’ questions or opinions, especially those that may oppose the teacher’s viewpoints, and desperately needs students to merely reflect what he/she thinks or believes, would likely reinforce – not disarm – the masochistic child’s tendencies.

 

• The Withdrawal (Failure to Launch) Type: Parents are likely to avoid confrontation with this type of teen, as enabling behaviors are quite common in families in which a failure to launch child has retreated from any potential narcissistic injury. This pattern of enabling must be avoided and replaced by the clear articulation of expectations (including chores, financial responsibilities, and the achievement of developmental milestones such as securing a driver’s license, graduating from high school, and enrolling in college or trade school courses) and ensuring the child’s accountability with the provision of clear and consistent discipline; I also encourage parents to establish household/family roles for this type of child in order to promote feelings of obligation and commitment to others.

 

• The Psychopathic Type: For the narcissistically vulnerable child who organizes around a psychopathic personality style, it can be very difficult for parents, teachers, and other authority figures to interrupt, block, and ultimately redirect the child away from this particular narcissistic orientation. Unfortunately, for profoundly fragile children who resort to extreme psychopathic behaviors, psychopathy works; this child’s defensive shield functions remarkably well. For parents faced with the challenge of a psychopathic child, in addition to recommending psychotherapy and psychiatric consultation, I often encourage parents to be ready for, and capitalize on, any opportunity for validating and affirming their child. I also urge parents not to take their child’s attitudes and behaviors personally, which is often easier said than done. The Atlantic’s “When Your Child Is a Psychopath” offers a compelling view of the challenges of child psychopathy.

 

Resisting the Indoctrination of a Narcissistic Culture

 

Given the increasingly narcissistic culture to which American children are essentially being indoctrinated, I would like to offer the following recommendations for parents, teachers, and other adults who are in a position to positively impact children:

 

1. Do not hesitate to share personal information on the challenges and disappointments of your life. The psychoanalyst Adam Phillips has advocated for a “languaging” of frustration, so as to normalize the experience, and encourage the acceptance, of not getting what you want. This is a radical departure from modern culture’s technological revolution which is entirely oriented toward immediate gratification. Yet, as the happiness researcher Daniel Gilbert has scientifically demonstrated, getting what one wants (even when it occurs) often does not yield contentment. The reality of the human conditions is that we all fail, and that to some extent we will all feel disappointed or frustrated when things do not turn out as we would have hoped. If we do not socialize our youths to the inevitability of failure, and celebrate the humility that emerges in the context of effort, desire, and disappointment, we will be aligning these experiences with shame, thereby inadvertently advocating for narcissistic tendencies and personality styles.

 

2. Teach and model “mentalization.” The psychological researcher and theorist Peter Fonagy has pioneered the concept of mentalization, which essentially is the capacity to learn and understand the mind of another, and to make reasonable assumptions about the other’s feeling states and behaviors. Mentalization is essentially the primary activity of any good mother, i.e., moment to moment the mother “comes out of her own mind” to contact, identify, and understand the complexities of the mind of her child. As the mother does this, she builds an intuitive sense of what her child needs and is able to anticipate with accuracy how to best meet those needs. Beyond the mother-child bond, mentalization is the fundamental component of emotional IQ, the pre-requisite for the ability to empathize, and the foundational competency of other interpersonal skills including negotiation, problem-solving, conflict resolution, boundary formation, and intimacy. Because the psychopath often lacks empathy, encouraging and teaching teens how to mentalize will promote an authentic appreciation of others rather than a sentiment in which others are perceived merely as threats to oneself.

 

3. Help children identity and avoid “contingent” relationships. Simply put, contingent relationship are those relationships in which partner A’s acceptance of, and bond with, partner B is solely dependent upon what partner B does for partner A. In the 2012 film “The Place Beyond the Pines” starring Eva Mendes, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling, a theme that is examined by all of the characters is the impact of contingencies on the fate of their relationships; specifically, the contingent relationship that develops between two adolescent boys in the film showcases the insidious nature of manipulation that often characterizes the friendships of narcissistically-depleted children. Surprisingly, scientific evidence suggests a form of self-esteem that is “relationship continent,”e., a person finds stability and reassurance in the maintenance of a relationship he/she is anxious to lose. Just as the histrionic-exhibitionistic child must find self-value not in what they do or produce but in who they are, children also need to learn how to distinguish relationships characterized by manipulative forms of expectation and compliance vs. mutual respect and acceptance.

 

4. Promote “acting in” vs. “acting out.” Narcissistic vulnerability is often associated with a defensive approach to problems and interpersonal dilemmas in which indirect, passive forms of communication and interaction are employed. For example, the passive-aggressive behavior narcissistic managers exhibit in the workplace when dealing with direct reports who are perceived as nonconformist or otherwise difficult to deal with is well-documented. Among children with narcissistic issues, a range of evasive strategies may be employed to derail or distract attention away from the core problem; for example, a teen struggling in a class may create false allegations about the teacher or the school in order to buoy his self-esteem and reduce the likelihood that the facts of the situation will be recognized. These are forms of “acting out” that safeguard vs. a direct, honest and authentic revelation of a person’s reality, both to him-/herself and to significant others. To help children avoid “acting out,” we must promote an approach of “acting in,” i.e., encouraging, directing, and guiding children to approach themselves, and their problems, in a direct, non-shame-based fashion. That is, we must socialize children to the reality that issues consistently emerge for all of us and normalize the discomfort involved in having our limitations, mistakes, and weaknesses revealed. But we must send the message that it is precisely when we approach ourselves and our problems realistically, and in a non-avoidant way, that confidence, poise, and self-acceptance build.

 

Conclusion

 

We live in an era of cultural narcissism in which fundamental aspects of the human condition (e.g., vulnerability, personal limitations, mistakes, failures) are systematically being devalued and replaced by self-promotion and an intolerance of imperfection. Adolescents are influenced by social comparison, social media idealism, and superficial appraisals of value, which for many teens results in damage to their self-esteem, associated psychiatric issues, and the adoption of narcissistic tendencies. Parents, teachers, and other adults who influence children can play an important role in promoting and modeling key attitudes and behaviors that support teens’ self-esteem and reduce the need for teens to adopt narcissistically-based personality styles.

 

James Tobin, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist based in Newport Beach, CA. His clinical practice consists of individual, group, and family therapy, with an emphasis on interpersonal patterns and relational dynamics that obstruct one’s access to truth, fulfillment and intimacy. The executive coaching component of Dr. Tobin’s practice focuses on helping executives and teams identify and navigate psychological forces in the workplace.