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Whether I am serving in the role of executive coach or psychotherapist, most of my clients inevitably discuss problems they are having with a narcissistic manager. Elsewhere I have described the increasing prevalence of narcissism, a trend that ironically seems to be reinforced by cultural dynamics that emphasize the self or individual instead of, and often at the expense of, the other or the group. But in this particular podcast episode, I am going to focus on addressing narcissistic problems in the workplace, specifically when the employee is saddled with the challenge of a narcissistic boss and the disconcerting and highly manipulative drama he or she will create for the employee. If you are currently in the workplace, especially if you are employed in a relatively intense or high-profile industry at a prestigious firm, your chances of encountering a narcissistic boss are, unfortunately, quite high. Here are four things you should keep in mind about your narcissistic boss.

#1: Although it may not seem so, your narcissistic boss is deeply insecure and has low self-confidence.

This is the origin of narcissism: early in development, the narcissist as a child was not celebrated or applauded by caretakers in such a way that conjured a feeling of healthy “grandiosity.” As a result, the narcissistically-wounded child is left with a hole deep inside that persists into and throughout adulthood. So in the workplace, the narcissistic boss desperately needs to feel special in the eyes of others, to be celebrated and applauded. This is why narcissists in organizations usually surround themselves with worker-bees and co-dependents who orient themselves toward the needs and wants of others, who lack good boundaries, and who emphasize and value the good qualities and attributes of others – especially narcissists – while de-emphasizing their own attributes, often to the point of irrational self-criticality. With this dynamic in place, it is very easy for the narcissist to perceive him- or herself, and to be perceived by others, as special within a context of a team or group whose members essentially feel like second-rate citizens.

#2: Opposing views, differences of opinion, and even the slightest appearance of disagreement or dismay are all intolerable for your narcissistic boss.

A narcissist’s sense of grandiosity and equilibrium is so tenuous and fragile that whatever it is he or she has put forth, created, or established in the organization must be accepted and perceived fondly and with admiration; the mood of the office must be serene and calm; and all employees must be “sweet” and affable. Kind of like a Norman Rockwell painting. As a consultant I have repeatedly sat in executive and team meetings in which I was stunned by the narcissistic manager’s persistent scanning of the room for any nonverbal sign of disagreement or discontent. It was as if the people in the room not only could not voice a problem or issue, but could not even feel any consternation or average expectable neutral or even slightly negative reaction to what was coming up in the meeting. I often talk about this dynamic in terms of “otherness”; that is, a narcissist cannot tolerate the unique, idiosyncratic views, opinions or feelings of another person, especially when these qualities of otherness do not agree with or reflect what the narcissist is thinking and feeling.

#3: Your narcissistic boss encourages your specialness to shine then stomps on it.

Narcissistic persons are always recruiting talented people to become a member of their world, because, again, at their core, narcissists are insecure and are therefore drawn to people who are inherently secure, well-adjusted and healthy. In the workplace, once the newly-recruited, high-performing employee begins his or her tenure and starts to show their stuff, to exhibit what is special and unique about their abilities, the narcissistic manager is simultaneously impressed and activated and distressed: the specialness of the employee actually irritates the boss, aggravating old lingering wounds, their own specialness that was never acknowledged. This is especially true if the employee’s unique talents and abilities demonstrate a firm sense of self, a deep inner security that is not dependent on the approval or adulation of others; this is precisely what the narcissistic boss lacks. It is at this point that the narcissistic boss, often unconsciously, becomes motivated to take the wind out of the sail of the new special employee. Affirming the employee’s strengths and contributions gradually shifts to a focus, instead, on the employee’s emerging albeit minor and relatively inconsequential limitations or one-off situations when the employee was simply not on top of his or her game. As this pattern of scrutiny and critical feedback persists, the employee is met again and again with a dramatic mixed message, a stinging juxtaposition of feedback: on the one hand his or her skills are consistently acknowledged by the narcissistic boss, yet on the other hand an impressive list of criticisms and weaknesses gradually accumulates.

#4: Your narcissistic boss seeks discipleship.

The essence of narcissism is a profound sense of vulnerability and the fear that the narcissist’s limitations and foibles will be discovered – in this way, the so-called “imposter syndrome” is really a central feature of a true narcissist. Consequently, in the workplace the narcissist must create and gather around him or her disciples who unquestionably, and without reservation, support and defend the narcissist’s leadership, decision-making, and dealings with others, however unfair, manipulative or unethical or illegal they may be. In many of the organizations with which I have consulted, a cult feel abounds in which executives, team leaders and employees seem barren and machine-like, their originality and vivaciousness voided. However, in contrast, they seem quite eager and highly invested in praising their narcissistic leader and mirroring his or her beliefs and values, almost with a tone of imitation rather than sincere conviction. In one organization, for example, the team leaders used the same words and phrases as did their narcissistic manager when describing various aspects of the workplace, culture, and company mission. It was as if an ideology had been inculcated throughout the workplace that had no room for more personal interpretations or characterizations by the employees.

In conclusion, I hope these descriptions of the four major tendencies characterizing narcissistic individuals in managerial positions shed light on how to begin to think of a strategic approach to dealing with them. Of course you can always leave an organization where a narcissistic manger resides, but chances are you will encounter other narcissistic leaders in your very next position. With many of the clients I coach and treat, understanding these fundamental elements of narcissism helps them become more mindful of the emotional and psychological triggers that activate narcissistic individuals so that a narcissistic boss, at the very least, does not experience the employee as constituting, once again, another narcissistic injury.