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Often the solutions to many problems encountered in daily living and in contemporary relationships are not that difficult to reach. In fact, it seems to me that we often know what we need to do, as the issue at hand is not typically something we do not understand but something we do, in fact, understand all too well but merely have trouble accepting and, consequently, acting on once and for all. Instead, we tend to procrastinate or forestall, and a month turns into a year turns into a decade.   This inability to accept and act on what we recognize we must do is not a character flaw but, instead, seems to be a core element of the human condition, stemming from several key factors:

(1) To finally act and solve a problem would instigate change, which interrupts the status quo and the routine many people cling to and find solace in;

(2) To resolve an issue creates a border between past and present, marking the passage of time and the evolution of one’s self and one’s life; although the change might alleviate many difficulties and stressors, it still marks the passage of time, the inevitability of loss, and nostalgia for what once was and what could never be;

(3) To finally move on and address a problem often paradoxically has the effect of making one feel bad about oneself, engendering self-criticism and shame for not having acted more definitively before;

(4) Making a change, often if it involves abandoning a relationship or a professional position, is often imbued with a sense of failure, with the belief that somehow the problem was not situational or contextual, or simply out of one’s hands, but rather indicative of flawed personal  characteristics and limitations;

(5) Whatever change is about to occur based on one’s decision to finally act often initiates fear of the unknown and anxiety as to whether things will eventually turn out right; this is due to the situation at hand having become such a large part of one’s identity that it has been assumed to be personally defining and permanent when, in fact, all things in life, even life itself, are impermanent.

Taken together, these factors mount a significant obstacle that impedes one’s ability to act on one’s behalf and initiate a change process. Consequently, the drive to maintain the status quo, even when the status quo consists of sub-optimal conditions and circumstances, is very strong.

When clients finally begin psychotherapy, they often arrive well-entrenched in a complex narrative, built over time, about the ordeal or conundrum that has been causing them distress and seems unsolvable. Psychotherapists who are trained to appreciate and dissect a patient’s mental life layer by layer are often seduced into believing the patient’s narrative and colluding with its complexity. While empathy for how a person may see their plight is useful and often experienced as supportive, over the years my clinical work has gradually shifted toward prioritizing the need to bypass the illusion of complexity that has co-opted the patient’s ability to change and move. One of us must avoid being confused, if not paralyzed, by this complexity and if the patient is having trouble I feel it is imperative that I not succumb to it as well. Hopefully, as the course of therapy ensues, the progression that occurs has less to do with the patient discovering what I already know but more to do with the patient accessing a nuanced element of his or her problem neither of us recognized before. Bit by bit, these recognitions accumulate and ultimately lead to new perspectives of oneself, of one’s relationship to the problem, and of courses of action that are now palatable and preferable to the unyielding status quo.