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I often work with women in my practice who characterize a very distinct shift in their romantic relationships. This shift occurs rather gradually and insidiously but when its underlying dynamics are fully operative, the relationship suffer and the each partner experiences considerable conflict and distress. More often than not it’s the female partner who notices and is impacted first by the shift, but men also readily experience the shift and frequently come to therapy to try to address it when it’s in full bloom.

 

In this episode, I will describe and unpack the shift and its underlying dynamic — what I call the “maternalizing dynamic.” I will speak about heterosexual relationships in this episode but this dynamic also exists among homosexual and bisexual couples.

 

Let’s first start with understanding the shift — here is how it usually goes:

 

A relationship with a man begins in which there is very good chemistry and both parties are very attracted to each other. The man appears invested in getting to know the woman, courting her, and may even allude to plans for the future and the wish for a long-term committed relationship. Everything seems positive and the couple appears to be on a very good track.

 

Then the shift occurs, sometimes within weeks or months of a new relationship beginning, or even several years into a relationship. What appears to occur is that the woman, unconsciously, inadvertently, begins to “take care” of her male partner in seemingly benign ways. She may, for example, begin to take care of some errands for her boyfriend, even cook for him or pick up his dry cleaning, drive him to the airport, pick up takeout, even buy him small gifts for him.

 

In and of themselves — there are thoughtful, caring gestures that demonstrate care, concern and love, and are the essence of any good relationship.

 

However, what I am highlighting here is that these caring gestures, these helpful acts of kindness, may not be so benign and may inadvertently trigger a big problem. For some women, these acts are unknowingly and unconsciously motivated by what we may call “the maternalizing drive.” And for some men, the recipients of these acts of kindness, these men may unconsciously begin to feel infantilized — or a better way of saying this is that the acts of care and kindness activate — in a rather heightened and damaging way — the child components of the man’s identity.

 

This combination of the woman’s maternalizing drive and the activation of her male partner’s child components lock together and set forth an unfortunate dynamic that neither partner wanted in any conscious way. Once this dynamic gets going, we have a major problem in the relationship.  In essence, the relationship is transformed from an adult to adult // mutually interdependent bond // to a maternal-child bond. And as you might imagine, when this occurs sexual intimacy erodes and each partner becomes more and more restricted in how they feel about and treat the other.

 

Break-up may ensue or sometimes things go in a completely different direction: the relationship may continue for many years — organized around a particular structure in which the male partner unconsciously embodies a kind of child role in relationship to his lover who has become a kind of surrogate maternal figure to him.

 

Once this dynamic gets going, women are typically very confused. They want to be a nurturing partner, but they also want to remain an independent and appropriately healthy sexual being in relationship to their partner — they certainly don’t want to become their partner’s mother. But unfortunately the forces that get this materanlizing dynamic going are usually unrecognizable, at least early on, and are complex, powerful, and often mutually co-determined by each partner.

 

What I mean by mutually co-determined is that some women unconsciously resist or deny the sensual, erotic elements of their identity and instead opt for a more nurturing style of romantic engagement with their partners, — or perhaps may even believe that if they are not maternalistic toward their partner what they can offer]will not be enough. And for the man’s part, some men may unconsciously need to “transform” their partner from an erotic to a maternal figure, as strange as that may sound, perhaps as a way to work out unresolved unconscious dilemmas with their own mothers through their female partner, or perhaps because underneath it all the man simply does not feel secure or confident about his own masculine identity.

 

Whatever the case may be, the two partners unknowingly become immersed in a dynamic that consumes both of them and– ultimately — restricts who they can actually be with and for each other.

 

So far, I’ve discussed how the emergence of this dynamic is often signaled by nurturing acts of kindness and caregiving on the part of the woman for her male partner, and the male partner’s response to these acts, but there are other ways in which the dynamic can take form. For example, another common varietal of this dynamic is the inevitable display of the male partner’s limitations, weaknesses, bad habits, addictions even, any self-sabotaging tendencies that have never really been addressed or resolved on his part. As these characteristics and tendencies emerge and start to negatively impact the relationship, his partner may unconsciously be pulled in and may begin to confront her partner about his tendencies, even get on his case about them, maybe even punish him in some way when he acts out or when his behavior becomes egregious. She may even drag him into therapy, much like the way in which a mother will set up a therapy appointment for her adolescent son who is under-performing in school, getting involved with so-called bad kids, or being irresponsible in one way or another. Just like the adolescent boy, the adult man usually has little interest in responding to his partner’s concerns.

 

The good news is that the maternalizing dynamic can be diluted or even entirely eradicated. But often // what first needs to occur is an acknowledgement on the part of both parties as to what their personal contribution to the dynamic may be. For most men, this involves coming to terms with various unresolved issues with their own mothers and corresponding chinks in their self-esteem related to their experience with either or both parents. And for women, typically what needs to occur is a more integrated incorporation of both the nurturing and erotic elements of her identify, which may involve revisiting aspects of her developmental history that may have obstructed this integration.