Why do we do what we do in our relationships, often to our own detriment, even when we know what we’re doing is self-sabotaging?  

The answer is that we are literally “programmed” to act in ways that are, in essence, automatic — and we can’t help ourselves.  The programming has its roots in the psychological processes underlying early development and crystallizes well before adolescence!   

Yes, that’s right: to a large extent, the central qualities of our personalities were already online before we even entered high school.  

Here is how this all works.  During infancy and early childhood, the child is entirely dependent on the primary caregiver for all of its needs.  And although the child’s brain is relatively unformed, it is genetically wired to relate, i.e., to assess and accommodate to the unique qualities and characteristics of the primary caregiver.  As development progresses, from this early phase of dependence and accommodation the child should ideally be supported to transition to more mature forms of “self- and other-relatedness.”

What I mean by “self- and other-relatedness” is that the child’s dependence on the other for everything is gradually supplanted by an emerging sense of independence and autonomy.  If the child’s differentiation from the primary caregivers is encouraged and supported, the developing child ultimately  jettisons accommodation strategies and replaces them with interpersonal skills that foster healthy boundaries, the negotiation of one’s needs in the context of the demands of the other, and the valuing of what gratifies the self — not just what will please the other.  

Unfortunately, scientific evidence has demonstrated that the developmental transition I just described above rarely, if ever, occurs smoothly or without issue for anyone!

Psychological theorists contend that, due to biological factors and evolutionary forces, the child is organically set up to progress from a relational position of dependence (and its corresponding accommodation strategies) to psychological autonomy (and its more mature forms of interpersonal negotiation, boundary setting, and the honoring of one’s own needs).  

However, problems  occur when the primary caregiver, often unwittingly and, perhaps, unconsciously, either restricts the child’s transition to autonomy or encourages it before the child is emotionally and psychologically ready for it.  When the child’s mind is confronted with parenting attitudes and behaviors that are too restrictive of the child’s progress or, conversely, too abruptly prompting of it, the child becomes taxed.

The unfortunate consequence of this stress is that it usually results in the child’s resorting to a psychological defense or set of defenses that are designed to cope with the misalignment between the reality of its own progression and that envisioned by the caregiver.  Once employed and efficacious in terms of shielding the child from the angst of misalignment, the psychological defense or repertoire of  defenses tends to be used over and over again and, eventually, becomes the modus operandi  with which the child adapts to all subsequent interpersonal experiences across the lifespan.  

It is startling to realize that all of us, as adults, manifest in the world archaic modes or styles of relating to others that reflect the incomplete and unresolved nature of our early developmental transition from dependence to autonomy, from accommodation to mutual negotiation, self-affirmation, and boundaries.  And in the most intimate of our relationships, our long-held adaptive patterns are challenged at their very core as we simultaneously seek to unite with, yet remain distinct from, the one we love.