Introduced in Gary Chapman’s 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, this novel perspective on communication and empathic connection in couples had widespread appeal. Even now, over 28 years later, when couples contact me for marital therapy, they often describe their problems and conflicts in terms of how their love languages are not being recognized nor acknowledged. Although helpful, the concept of love languages has had numerous unintended consequences, with the model often being misunderstood, exaggerated, and, at times, grossly distorted. A contributor to Psychology Today argues that a “misconception about love language is that they’re about how a person expresses love. While you can certainly think about them in that way, Chapman goes to pains in his book to stress that they’re about the way a person feels loved.” Similarly, Ashley Fetters observes in The Atlantic, “This self-focused way of discussing love languages is very different from what the concept’s inventor seems to have intended. As the idea has grown ever more ingrained in the popular consciousness (and ever more disconnected from the text that introduced it), Chapman’s consistent urging toward learning other people’s love languages and modifying one’s own behavior accordingly has been de-emphasized. In its place has emerged a notion that the point of knowing your love language is to find a partner with the same one, or to request that others learn to ‘speak’ it.” Fetters discusses additional concerns of relational experts that include partners not necessarily having only one love language or even a primary love language, as well as the need for healthy relationships to draw from all the love languages. Therapist Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT outlines 6 problems with the love-languages model; among these are the risk of couples using the model for “scorekeeping” and the assumption that attending to love languages is the “fix” for deeper, more problematic interpersonal dynamics. Scientific data on the degree to which love languages help couples are mixed, though more recent trends indicate that, among couples who are contented and happy, partners adjust and align to the love-language styles of each other. In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, July 17, 2021 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will revisit the love languages and consider their merits and limitations.

* Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, July 17, 2021, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, July 17, 2021. The fee is $25.00 (payable before entering the virtual meeting) and informed consent for participation in this telehealth event must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.