Communication is perhaps the most common presenting issue for couples seeking therapy, and arguably the most significant determinant of satisfaction in intimate relationships. Yet the term is so widely used that it lacks specificity and pragmatic meaning. That is, communication may refer to any number of dimensions of the emotional and behavioral dynamics between partners and may vary in its role in other relationship domains such as conflict resolution. Further, researchers argue that communication is a theoretical construct consisting of numerous inter-related factors that go beyond merely what is spoken. For example, a range of nonverbal communications between partners has been described including the capacity to emotionally “code” and “decode,” defensiveness, expectancies and appraisals, and perspective-taking (i.e., to feel attended to/understood so that you are more likely to consider your partner’s perspective). Well-known are John Gottman’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” scientifically determined negative communication tendencies that capture both verbal and nonverbal patterns in couples that are highly predictive of separation and divorce.

In the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, October 28, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will approach the topic of communication from the perspective of styles. This perspective captures both the dominant orientations of each member of the couple as well as the dynamics that ensue from their respective orientations. Four main individualized styles (passive; aggressive; passive-aggressive; and assertive) and three communication dynamics (the mutual constructive pattern; the demand-withdraw pattern; and the mutual avoidance pattern) have been identified. Other experts, including linguist Deborah Tannen, emphasize the influence of gender and culture on communication styles. Reviews of Tannen’s work have found several of her style continuums (e.g., competitive vs. affiliative; direct vs. indirect) especially applicable to couples.  Our seminar will elaborate on this material but our main focus will be the TEDx Talks by Amy Scott (Build don’t break relationships with communication: connect the dots) and Beth Luwandi Lofstrom (Communication is ruining your relationships).

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, October 28, 2023, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, October 26, 2023. The seminar will be held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA.  The fee is $30.00 and informed consent for participation must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.