Many of the patients I work with struggle with what I consider to be a universal human dilemma: how can I truly be myself in relationship (with a person or institution) that requires, if not demands, I be something else? Stated another way, we are all searching to be fully accepted and understood, yet the reality is that to secure and maintain our relationships, aspects of ourselves must be curtailed, censored or concealed. Our original experience of this fact occurs at birth. Although the primary caregiver (most commonly, the biological mother) is highly attuned to her baby’s emotional and biological states and needs, the baby quickly becomes perhaps even more aware of the shifting moods and expectations of the mother. For the baby, recognizing and responding to the mother’s being, the very person he/she is dependent upon, is tantamount to survival.

The original attachment bond sets a precedent for all future relationships across the lifespan, i.e., adapt to the implicit and explicit demands of the other so that the relationship can be garnered. This instinctual psychological urge to tailor and organize one’s identity into a persona has been the subject of significant philosophical and psychological theory, most of which centers on the emotional price one pays for hiding, defending against, or foreclosing upon aspects of oneself in order to be with another.

As I see it, most contemporary problems involve this basic conundrum: the relationships we cultivate paradoxically encourage and reinforce the development of particular personas rather than allow for, welcome, and even encourage the emergence of our “true” selves. The cultural atmosphere of narcissism and its reciprocal partner, codependence, poignantly demonstrates the rising prevalence of personality styles that are nothing more than personas designed to achieve interpersonal status at the expense of authentic self-expression.

In the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, December 9, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore this conundrum and focus specifically on how it is manifested in romantic relationships. Is it possible, in any relationship, to be connected to our partner without being a persona? will be the question we will attempt to answer. More broadly, our discussion will consider how relational phenomena influence identify formation (referred to as “relational knowledge” or “relational knowing” in various domains of philosophy and psychology). Secrecy, ego dissolution, and the psychological processes involved in knowing oneself by recognizing how one is known by another will be addressed. Finding what Daniel Stern calls a new “way-of-being-with-the-other” will be used to describe the cyclical dynamics of being known and unknown in close relationships – the main component of intimacy.

To register for this upcoming seminar, please see the directions below.

Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the in-person meetings of the Men’s Group Seminar and/or the Relationship Group Seminar on December 9, 2023, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com on or before Thursday, December 7, 2023. The fee is $30.00 for each seminar and informed consent for participation must be completed. Seminars are held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA. Please note that the Men’s Group Seminar and the Relationship Group Seminar are psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and do not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.