Many types of compulsive and addictive behavior are solidified by what is known as a “partial reinforcement schedule” — doing something repeatedly to receive a reward that comes at entirely randomized time intervals. The randomized timing of the reward intensifies the seductive quality of the feedback loop, as has been described of addicted users of slot machines: “the amount they spend far outweighs the amount they win, and the inconsistency of reinforcement makes them maintain a steady, high rate of responding, i.e., they’re unable to stop even upon discovering that the ‘jackpot’ is very difficult to hit.” The compulsive pursuit on a slot machine of an inconsistent jackpot serves as a metaphor for the repetitive pattern of toxic relationships in which a person’s emotional needs are consistently unmet by his or her partners. The psychoanalytic theorist Ronald Fairbairnconceptualized “the exciting object” (“object” meaning person in the interpersonal/relational perspective of psychology Fairbairn championed) as a means of explaining a person’s tendency to seek out, fall in love with, and have tremendous difficulty separating from unavailable and/or critical, rejecting or even abusive partners.

Fairbairn’s theory suggests that this compulsive tendency often is formed in childhood. For some children, their parent is their initial “exciting object”; due to any number of reasons, the parent is only capable of loving the child partially and inconsistently. As a result, the child becomes conditioned to a partial reinforcement schedule in relationships, as similarly occurs with slot machines. This forms in the child a predisposition in adulthood toward gambling for a jackpot, that is, searching out and attempting to garner from “exciting objects” the acceptance and intimacy he or she desires. However, rarely, if ever, is the jackpot won. Instead, individuals prone to these toxic relationships ultimately become frustrated, pessimistic, and skeptical of their own self-worth as each successive exciting object fails them. This dynamic is especially relevant for certain relational “attachment styles,” specifically the Ambivalent Attachment Style, and frequently played out in narcissistic and codependent relationships. In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, December 17, 2022 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore Fairbairn’s theory of the exciting object and discuss its relevance to contemporary relationship problems. In our discussion, we will also consider the psychology of attachment types and the mechanisms by which relational patterns in adulthood are linked to the parent-child bond.

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, December 17, 2022, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, December 15, 2022. The fee is $25.00 (payable before entering the virtual meeting) and informed consent for participation in this telehealth event must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.