One psychotherapist defines controlling behavior as “When one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs – even at others’ expense. The controlling person targets an individual and dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner.” Control exists on a continuum, ranging from subtle forms of behavior (such as bantering and giving or seeking more attention than usual) to significant direct and aversive dynamics that may ultimately manifest in physical abuse. Control typically develops over time and evolves into patterned behavior governed by psychological manipulation. Many signs of control in relationship dynamics have been well documented and include, among others, repetitive criticism, attempts to induce guilt, gaslighting, micromanaging, and invasions of privacy. The motivation to control is often linked to deep psychological vulnerabilities and a lack of self-agency. Individuals who seek to control usually harbor a history of relational disappointments in which needs were not met by significant others; consequently, fears of abandonment and/or engulfment, distrust, and not feeling recognized or seen pervade their interpersonal world. There is also evidence that control is a learned behavior, one that frequently develops from the modeling of controlling parental figures during childhood. Those partners who are subjected to controlling behavior in their relationship suffer a range of negative consequences including self-doubt, emerging insecurity, inability and/or fear of losing the controlling partner, and the development of codependent tendencies.

In the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, June 3, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will discuss the psychology of control in relationships. We will pay particular attention to assessing early and subtle forms of control and will also consider experts’ advice on how to respond effectively to controlling behavior.

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, June 3, 2023, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, June 1, 2023. The seminar will be held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA.  The fee is $30.00 and informed consent for participation must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.