Shame refers to a complex set of interrelated emotional experiences leading one to feel inadequate or entirely unlovable. What has been termed the “self-conscious emotions,” the core components of shame are embarrassment and guilt. Chronic negative self-evaluation can intensify to an extreme state of self-disgust and self-loathing. A consistent sense of unworthiness is often associated with strivings to be perfect and the inevitable failure of such attempts. Inherent in the experience of shame is a hidden, concealed quality of the self that negatively impacts one’s relationship both with oneself and others. Shame is “disintegrating (because) you lose touch with all the other parts of yourself, and you also feel disconnected from everyone else.” The causes of shame appear to originate in the interpersonal sphere. Experts suggest that childhood experiences of disapproval from significant others, often parental figures, are especially traumatic because the rejection is linked not to an action, but a characteristic, that renders the person undeserving of love. Psychoanalytically-inclined developmental researchers argue that shame emerges when the child reaches for care from another and is shunned. Due to the failure of, and humiliation resulting from, these relational attempts, the shamed person often pursues “strategies of disconnection” as a means of protection from further disappointment. These historical wounds find their way into the dynamics of relationships in adulthood, with men and women often experiencing distinct qualities of shame based on cultural influences and gender stereotypes, i.e., male shame is linked to a sense of weakness or failure while fears of being “good enough” impact women.  In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, February 20, 2021 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore the role of shame in intimate relationships and consider the most effective ways for managing this insidious experience of self and others.

* Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, February 20, 2021, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, February 18, 2021. The fee is $25.00 (payable before entering the virtual meeting) and informed consent for participation in this telehealth event must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.