Defense mechanisms refer to a group of psychological adaptations, often first utilized in childhood, to cope with stressful situations and relational disappointments. They are important because defense mechanisms are usually unconsciously maintained into and throughout adulthood, and often erroneously applied to dilemmas in our contemporary relationships. That is, the current circumstances or relationship challenges we face as adults are likely better addressed not with a defense mechanism from childhood, which merely avoids, distorts, or denies an issue, but instead with a more direct and efficacious problem-solving effort. Splitting is a good example of a basic, rudimentary defense that can really cause havoc when employed in adulthood.

A relatively common defense mechanism, splitting occurs in order to deal with relational disappointments, more specifically when the person we love and depend on does not provide what we need. When this occurs, the complex feelings that may arise in us (including frustration, anger, loss/abandonment, aggression, and/or shame) can be difficult to experience or even tolerate; consequently, the mind unconsciously seeks to turn away from self-reproach (judging oneself as “bad” for feeling these “awful” feelings in relation to the one we love) to other-reproach, i.e., seeing our partner as “good” or “bad,” in essence splitting him or her into two distinct beings. Once splitting begins, it often progresses to the point where we do not view our partner as an integrated, whole person with strengths and limitations, but, ultimately, as merely “bad.” When this distortion gains more and more momentum, evidence is stacked up against one’s partner in a kind of cognitive/perceptual confirmatory bias caricaturizing: no matter what that person says or does, their behavior and motives are perceived critically. In many divorces, for example, splitting is the final pathway (for one or both partners) leading to the demise of the relationship. In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, March 6, 2021 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore the role of splitting in relationships. Our discussion will address the psychological and emotional challenges in long-term intimate relationships that splitting and other defense mechanisms ultimately cannot resolve: seeing the goodness of, and maintaining our love for, a partner who also fails us.

* Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, March 6, 2021, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, March 4, 2021. The fee is $25.00 (payable before entering the virtual meeting) and informed consent for participation in this telehealth event must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.