In long-term committed relationships, there is an exhilaration and sense of deep intimacy when you feel fully seen and understood by your partner; when your partner recognizes your motivations and tendencies; when you are perceived and related to in ways that are, authentically, you. The experience of being known and understood by another, just as you know and understand yourself, is arguably one of the most significant needs we as humans seek to fulfill in our deepest bonds.

Unfortunately, in relationships where this is ongoing conflict or distress, or where dysfunctional dynamics inhibit communication and connection, there usually emerges a mismatch or asymmetry between who you know yourself to be and who you are perceived to be in your partner’s eyes. Research suggests that feeling understood by your partner reduces the intensity and negative impact of conflict among couples. In my own psychotherapy practice, I have noticed that those couples who evidence this mismatch, with one or both partners feeling like they are not the person who they are perceived to be, are most at risk for breakup.

Psychological frameworks that speak to this mismatch emanate primarily from the psychoanalytic and psychodynamic perspectives, and include, most notably, the theories of transference, projection, projective identification, and enactment. At the core of these theories is the notion that, in close relationships, how we experience our partner may be distorted by unconscious forces.  Over time, our partner seems less him- or herself and more like someone from our past who embodies significant and unresolved psychological meaning. In the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, September 9, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will discuss the origin and intensification of this mismatch in couples and explore the ways in which it may promote a more sophisticated appraisal of the relationship as well as a greater degree of self-insight.

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, September 9, 2023, 11:45 AM to 1:00 PM, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com no later than Thursday, September 7, 2023. The seminar will be held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA.  The fee is $30.00 and informed consent for participation must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.