What is a Sadomasochistic Relationship?  Psychology and Dynamics

James Tobin, Ph.D.

A relationship dynamic may evolve in which one partner is motivated by sadistic impulses and the other by masochistic needs; these complementary roles interlock and form a symbiotic bond that often persists and strengthens in intensity, ultimately obstructing authenticity and intimacy.

KEY POINTS

• Sadism and masochism are interconnected as they both involve deriving pleasure from pain, albeit from different perspectives. Sadism refers to deriving pleasure, particularly sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. Conversely, masochism involves deriving pleasure from the experience of pain or humiliation.
• The manifestation of these tendencies between relationship partners can result in the formation of a symbiotic bond characterized by the complementary and mutually reinforcing dynamics of masochism and sadism.
• Although sadomasochism is often viewed stereotypically as a sexual fetish, there are in fact many ways these dynamics play out in relationships outside of the sexual domain; the corresponding need of one partner to be controlled and the other to control, for example, may lead to a sadomasochistic bond.
• Due to the symbiotic nature of the sadomasochistic bond, the emotional growth, psychological development, and true capacity for individuation and connection of each partner are blocked by the dynamics of control and submission.

Introduction: The Interplay of Dominance and Submission

The intricate dynamics of human relationships often reveal complex psychological patterns, and few are as intriguing as the sadomasochistic relationship. This unique form of interpersonal connection, characterized by an interplay of dominance and submission, has long fascinated psychologists and relationship experts alike.

In popular culture, sadomasochism is generally misunderstood, highly dramatized, and frequently stigmatized.

In this brief exploration of sadomasochistic relationships, we will clarify the psychological foundations that give rise to such dynamics.  Beyond merely residing in the sexual domain of a relationship, sadomasochistic tendences may pervade the bond between two partners in other ways, often in the form of an intricate dance of power and surrender.  The role of emotional dependency, control, and security in shaping sadomasochistic tendencies will also be examined. Finally, we will address how sadomasochistic tendencies may be recognized, addressed, and overcome.

Understanding Sadomasochism: Definition and Origins

Sadomasochism has its roots in the interplay of pleasure and pain. The term itself is an integration of “sadism” and “masochism,” derived from the names of two influential thinkers. Sadism, originating from the French writer and political activist Marquis de Sade (1740-1814), refers to deriving pleasure from inflicting pain.  Masochism, in turn, denotes gaining pleasure from receiving pain.  This term was coined by the Austrian psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing (1840-1902), who derived it from the name of his contemporary, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), a writer and journalist.  It is widely documented that Masoch did not approve of this use of his name.

The concept of sadomasochism has a long history, with some scholars suggesting its presence in ancient cultures and even among nonhuman primates. One of the earliest recorded instances of sadomasochistic themes appears in an Egyptian love song, where a man expresses a desire to be subjugated by a woman for pleasure.

In the modern era, von Krafft-Ebing introduced the terms “sadism” and “masochism” to the medical community in his 1886 work “Psychopathia Sexualis.” Freud later combined these concepts into the single entity of “sadomasochism,” noting that both tendencies often coexisted in individuals.

The Psychology of Sadomasochistic Relationships

Sadomasochistic relationships are characterized by complex psychological dynamics associated with power exchange and emotional need fulfillment.

These relationships often emerge between partners who have unresolved psychological issues from early development.  Typically, these issue stems from a relational bond between child and caregiver that lacked stability and reliability, leaving the child unable to tolerate overwhelming feelings of vulnerability, lack of control, and anger/rage at the untenable caregiver for whom he or she longed but could not access.

As the child transitions into adulthood and forms intimate relationships, he or she approaches the uncertainty and unpredictability of intimate connections with an unconscious psychological strategy directed toward several goals:

• Prevent emotional isolation and abandonment
• Cope with underlying feelings of insecurity and powerlessness
• Reduce anxiety associated with the uncertainty and difficulty tolerating what cannot be controlled in relationships.

This unconscious strategy involves the organization of symbiotic interactions in which each partner interlocks through mutually reinforcing needs.  In the symbiotic bond of sadomasochism, the sadist attempts to gain control over the other, while the masochist surrenders his or her autonomy to a partner who is perceived as superior or worthy of adulation.

The symbiotic structure of the sadomasochistic relationship ultimately erodes each partner’s individuality and self-agency, i.e., the partners believe they can no longer exist without each other.  This is in striking contrast to a healthy relationship in which the partners share a mutual bond (often referred to as “interdependence”) but also retain their own individuality and autonomy.  Surprisingly, sadomasochistic relationships often provide a sense of security and power for the partners involved, albeit through unconventional means, allowing the feeling of intimacy yet only within the context of power dynamics.

It is important to note that consensual BDSM (the acronym for “Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism, and Masochism) practices differ from sadomasochistic relationships. Research suggests that BDSM, which encompass sadomasochistic behaviors, are not necessarily indicative of psychological disorders. Instead, they may reflect individual preferences, some of which may be associated with attachment styles (i.e., emotional and behavioral tendencies exhibited in relationships that reflect early developmental bonding with the primary caregiver). Dominant partners often display secure or avoidant attachment styles, while submissive partners tend to exhibit an anxious attachment style oriented around fears of abandonment. Nevertheless, BDSM communities emphasize consensual and structured activity between partners, firm boundaries, and emotional support as opposed to abusive dynamics.

Recognizing Sadomasochistic Tendencies in Relationships

Identifying sadomasochistic tendencies in relationships requires a nuanced understanding of, and the ability to recognize, complex interpersonal dynamics (patterns of relating) that may evolve gradually and insidiously between partners. Often, this recognition is mobilized through individual and/or couples psychotherapy.

These patterns often manifest through power imbalances and emotional manipulation. Individuals exhibiting sadistic traits may derive pleasure from their partner’s suffering, while those with masochistic tendencies might repeatedly choose partners who mistreat them. This interplay can create a cycle of emotional abuse and dependency that is sometimes referred to as “trauma bonding.”

There is anecdotal evidence suggesting an association between sadistic tendencies and narcissistic characteristics, although the relationship between the two remains ambiguous.

On the other hand, relationship masochists (though not a clinical diagnosis) often engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, may exhibit codependent qualities, and at times may share many of the same attitudes and behaviors of “love addicts.”  Moreover, masochists may unconsciously select partners who are likely to disappoint or mistreat them, thereby gaining further evidence to validate deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and recurring injustice.  Masochists might also inadvertently provoke angry interactions with their partners, triggering critical, demeaning, and hurtful responses that are familiar repetitions of previous conflicts with intimates.

Finally, it should be noted that some individuals may alternate between the role of masochist and sadist, either regarding their sexual practices, relationship dynamics, or both.  This alternating is clinically viewed as the expression of a psychological need to play out all aspects of an archaic relational dilemma in order to solve it.  Unfortunately, the role-playing usually fails to address the uncertainty and vulnerability that is always involved in the experience of loving, and being loved by, another.

Conclusion: Moving Beyond Sadomasochistic Patterns

Sadomasochistic dynamics are more common than is generally realized, as there is a fine line between consensual power differences (e.g., the typical vertical relationship between manager and direct report in the workplace) and harmful dynamics in which power and control are used to unconsciously repeat early and unresolved relational circumstances.

Recognizing when this line is crossed, and how, specifically, the evolving symbiosis that often develops between partners may feel deceivingly pleasurable, is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthier relationship dynamics.

By exploring these complex patterns, perhaps in psychotherapy, individuals can gain valuable insights into the underlying motivations that drive them to seek out such relationships and, moreover, to have considerable difficulty when attempting to break them.

Ultimately, if masochistic and/or sadistic psychological strategies are supplanted by an acceptance and tolerance of the vicissitudes of intimacy, new pathways for connection and closeness are possible.