At their core, most romantic relationship problems involve conflictual dynamics having to do with the fear of fusion (i.e., anxiety concerning becoming “one”/fearing dependency and union) vs. the fear of independence (i.e., anxiety that involving remaining separate and not connected ).

This conflict is both intrapersonal (each person both wants connection and longs for separation, to some degree or another) and interpersonal  (one partner generally emerges as the fuser and the other partner as the separator/distancer).

In my clinical practice, what is most concerning is that the very characteristic that initially attracted one partner to the other becomes the very characteristic that causes distress years later.  For example, a husband may say that, when he first met his wife, he was very attracted to her independent lifestyle and attitude.  Yet, after some time has passed, the husband may  actually have come to despise his wife’s autonomy.

The concept of interdependence is perhaps the most optimal component of a highly successful relationship, yet it is seldom talked about or even considered to be an important or defining characteristic of viable partnerships.  Interdependence essentially involves the capacity of partners in a relationship  to be comfortably connected and reliant on each other, while simultaneously being safely separate from each other.

To achieve interdependence, each partner must first overcome unresolved issues from early development in which, as a child, he or she was forced to “adapt” to his or her primary caregiver’s idiosyncrasies and limitations.  When children are forced to adapt too early or too strenuously to uncertain or emotionally complex or trying conditions, interdependence in future relationships in adulthood will be compromised.

A common goal for many adults who enter psychotherapy is to help alter the adaptive tendencies and predispositions that have existed since childhood and have been repetitively enacted over and over again in relationships.  Once these tendencies and predispositions are deconstructed and jettisoned, there emerges the potential for an emotional investment in, and tolerance of, becoming intimate with another in ways that are well-boundaried, supportive, and growth-producing.