Why We Pursue the Familiar: Insights from Psychology and Psychoanalysis

James Tobin, Ph.D.

Being drawn to the familiar is a human tendency determined by an array of psychological, neurobiological, and evolutionary factors.  Although there are advantages to gravitating toward the known in decision-making and other domains of experience, there may also be significant disadvantages.  These include the dynamics of self-sabotage and the unconscious drive to repeat negative relationship experiences and other unresolved traumas.  Such returns to the familiar obstruct the potential for positive change.   

KEY POINTS

• Research on sensory experience, memory, decision-making, and preferences suggests that we are “hard-wired” to gravitate toward the familiar, toward what is known.
• Freud’s theory of repetition compulsion suggests that we are unconsciously motivated to repeat (re-enact) prior relationship experiences, especially those that were traumatic or unresolved.
• Self-sabotage is a related psychological phenomenon in which change, growth and personal evolution is hindered by a return to, and implicit preference for, the familiar (the status quo).
• Psychotherapy addresses the unconscious propensity to repeat familiar patterns by helping to reconfigure one’s sense of self (identity), detach from implicit emotional loyalties to others, and forge new relational dynamics that introduce the unknown and the unfamiliar.

Introduction

The human psyche’s propensity to gravitate towards the known, even when it proves detrimental, has long fascinated scientists, psychologists, and psychotherapists. This tendency, deeply rooted in our unconscious minds, often manifests as a powerful force shaping our behaviors, relationships, and life choices.  Familiar patterns, even if they involve some degree of discomfort or pain, represent a known quantity. We understand how to cope with these familiar challenges, whereas venturing into the unknown may trigger anxiety and overwhelm our coping mechanisms.

At its core, the allure of the familiar stems from our innate need for psychological safety. Familiar patterns, behaviors, and relationships provide a sense of predictability in an otherwise chaotic and uncertain world. This predictability allows us to conserve cognitive resources, as we can rely on established schemas and heuristics to navigate our environment without significant conscious effort.

It is important to note, however, that the comfort of the familiar is not inherently problematic. Healthy routines, stable relationships, and consistent environments can provide a necessary foundation for psychological well-being and personal growth. The challenge arises when the allure of the familiar prevents us from adapting to new circumstances or leads us to perpetuate harmful patterns.

This article explores the different aspects of familiarity and its benefits and potential risks. It also provides an explanation of how people can understand and work with their natural pull toward what they know.

“Wired” for the Familiar

People choose what they know best. Studies show that familiar options win over new ones in up to 80% of daily decisions. This natural tendency affects our behavior in all aspects of life, from relationships to shopping habits.

Familiarity plays a vital role in reducing anxiety and uncertainty. Research showed that familiar stimuli are easier to process than new ones and require less mental effort. This efficient processing creates what researchers call “perceptual fluency,” an ease of integrating new stimuli that is accompanied by positive emotional responses.

Moreover, experts believe that familiarity represents a memory phenomenon that allows people to recognize a stimulus as previously encountered without remembering details of the original exposure. The brain develops internal representations of familiar concepts in the cortex. These representations, managed by specific brain regions, serve precise functional tasks.  Interestingly, decreased feelings of familiarity have been linked to lesions in these areas of the brain.

The Psychology of the Familiar

Scientists define familiarity as the most basic relationship that develops through sensory exposure — whether visual, olfactory, tactile, or acoustic.  Yet, psychological familiarity reaches well beyond the reach and influence of neurologic pathways dedicated to recognition and memory. It covers a complex set of cognitive and emotional processes that shape how we behave. This basic aspect of human psychology is a vital part of how people process and interact with their surroundings.

 

Studies have provided strong evidence of how familiarity shapes behavior in a variety of domains. For example, patients in hospitals feel more relaxed and normal when they follow familiar routines in their stressful surroundings. The presence of someone familiar can reduce both behavioral and autonomic threat responses in social settings.  Research has shown that pain and emotional distress levels drop when people either touch or see pictures of familiar faces instead of strangers.

Familiarity’s influence shows up clearly in how we make decisions. People naturally prefer familiar options because they see them as safer and more predictable. This preference aligns with our evolutionary past, i.e., familiar things rarely pose unexpected dangers and offer safer choices when we face uncertainty.

Moreover, the familiar provides a sense of mastery and competence. We feel more confident and capable when operating within known parameters, even if these parameters are ultimately limiting or detrimental. This perceived competence contributes to our sense of self-efficacy and helps maintain a stable self-concept.

The Compulsion to Repeat

Freud observed that individuals often unconsciously re-enact past experiences, particularly those that were traumatic or unresolved. This observation led to the development of the theory of repetition compulsion, which posits that people have an inherent drive to repeat familiar patterns, even when these patterns are maladaptive or cause distress.

The repetition compulsion is believed to stem from the psyche’s attempt to gain mastery over the original trauma by reliving and working through the associated emotions and conflicts. However, this unconscious re-enactment often perpetuates a vicious cycle of self-sabotage, as individuals unwittingly recreate the very circumstances that caused them distress in the first place.

As psychoanalytic theory evolved, subsequent thinkers expanded upon Freud’s initial conceptualization. Object relations theorists, for instance, emphasized the role of early relationships in shaping repetitive patterns. They proposed that individuals internalize representations of significant others and unconsciously seek to recreate these relational dynamics in their adult lives.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, provided further insights into the origins of repetitive patterns. This framework suggests that early attachment experiences create “internal working models” that guide expectations and behaviors in future relationships. Secure attachments foster adaptive patterns, while insecure attachments may lead to repetitive, maladaptive relational styles.  From an attachment perspective, the allure of the familiar can be understood as a manifestation of our early relational experiences. We tend to re-create patterns that resemble our primary attachments, as these represent our first and most deeply ingrained understanding of how relationships work. Even if these patterns are problematic, they offer a sense of connection to our personal history and identity.

Contemporary psychoanalytic perspectives have further refined our understanding of repetition, incorporating insights from neuroscience and developmental psychology. These approaches highlight the role of implicit memory systems in maintaining repetitive patterns, emphasizing the non-conscious, procedural nature of many repeated behaviors and relational dynamics.

Neurobiologically, the tendency towards familiarity is reinforced by the brain’s reward systems. Familiar stimuli and experiences activate neural pathways associated with pleasure and safety, creating a positive feedback loop that encourages repetition. This neurological reinforcement helps explain why breaking out of established patterns can be so challenging, even when we consciously recognize their negative impact.

The intersubjective turn in psychoanalysis has also contributed to our understanding of repetition, emphasizing the co-created nature of relational patterns. This perspective suggests that repetition occurs not only within individuals but also within the intersubjective field between the psychotherapist and patient, offering new avenues for therapeutic intervention and change.

Perpetuating Familiar Patterns and Self-Sabotage

The persistence of repetitive patterns in human behavior often defies conscious understanding and intention. Theorists posit that powerful unconscious motivations play a crucial role in perpetuating these familiar patterns, even when they lead to distress or dysfunction.

At the heart of this unconscious motivation lies the concept of psychological equilibrium. Individuals develop intricate internal systems to maintain a sense of stability and coherence, even if this stability comes at the cost of personal growth or fulfillment. This equilibrium-seeking behavior reflects the psyche’s attempt to manage anxiety and preserve a sense of identity.

Paradoxically, the pursuit of success and personal growth can trigger unconscious resistance and self-sabotage. Psychodynamic theory posits that individuals may harbor deep-seated fears of the changes and responsibilities that accompany success, stemming from unresolved conflicts or traumatic experiences from the past.

Several key factors contribute to the unconscious motivation to maintain familiar patterns, and these factors are typically addressed in psychotherapy:

1. Defense Mechanisms: Repetitive patterns often serve as sophisticated defense mechanisms, protecting the individual from confronting painful emotions or threatening realizations. These defenses, while initially adaptive, can become rigid and self-defeating over time.
2. Internalized Relational Configurations: Drawing from object relations theory, individuals internalize early relational experiences, creating templates for future interactions. These internalized configurations exert a powerful influence on behavior, often operating outside of conscious awareness.
3. Attachment Needs: The drive to maintain familiar patterns may stem from deep-seated attachment needs. Even maladaptive relationships or behaviors can provide a sense of security and connection, fulfilling basic psychological needs for belonging and recognition.
4. Identification with Internal Objects: Individuals may unconsciously identify with internalized representations of significant others, leading to the repetition of patterns associated with these internal objects. This identification can serve as a way of maintaining a connection to important figures from one’s past.
5. Mastery Attempts: Repetition can represent an unconscious attempt to gain mastery over past traumas or unresolved conflicts. By recreating familiar scenarios, individuals may hope to achieve a different outcome or resolution.
6. Guilt and Loyalty: Unconscious feelings of guilt or a sense of loyalty to family systems can motivate individuals to maintain patterns that align with their family of origin, even when these patterns are no longer adaptive.
7. Change: The prospect of change, even positive change, can trigger intense anxiety. The familiar, while potentially problematic, offers a sense of predictability and control that can be difficult to relinquish.

The Anxiety of Living Differently: Challenges in Breaking Repetitive Patterns

While the allure of the familiar exerts a powerful influence on human behavior, the prospect of change and living differently often evokes significant anxiety. This anxiety serves as a formidable barrier to breaking repetitive patterns, even when individuals consciously recognize the need for change.

Understanding the sources and manifestations of this anxiety is crucial in any psychotherapy and for anyone who is attempting to change.  By bringing these hidden drivers to light, a greater awareness of repetitive patterns and the underlying needs and conflicts that fuel them may arise. This increased consciousness creates opportunities for choice and change, allowing individuals to break free from the constraints of familiar but limiting patterns.

The anxiety associated with living differently stems from multiple psychological and emotional factors:

1. Threat to Identity: Familiar patterns, even if maladaptive, often become deeply intertwined with an individual’s sense of self. Changing these patterns can feel like a threat to one’s core identity, triggering existential anxiety.
2. Fear of the Unknown: Venturing into unfamiliar territory activates the brain’s threat-detection systems, leading to heightened vigilance and anxiety. The unknown represents potential danger and unpredictability, which can be overwhelming for many individuals.
3. Loss of Perceived Control: Established patterns provide a sense of control and predictability. Abandoning these patterns means relinquishing this perceived control, which can be deeply unsettling.
4. Fear of Success: Paradoxically, the prospect of success and fulfillment can be anxiety-provoking for some individuals. This may stem from unconscious beliefs about deservingness or fear of increased responsibility.
5. Activation of Early Trauma: Attempts to live differently may activate unresolved early traumas or conflicts, leading to intense anxiety as the psyche grapples with long-buried emotions.
6. Interpersonal Anxiety: Changing established patterns often necessitates shifts in interpersonal dynamics. The fear of disrupting relationships or facing others’ reactions to change can be a significant source of anxiety.

Conclusion: Embracing the Dialectic of Familiarity and Growth

The tension between the allure of the familiar and the anxiety of change reflects a fundamental aspect of the human condition, one that plays out not only in the therapeutic setting but in all areas of life.  Yet the familiar can become a springboard for growth rather than a prison of repetition.  Indeed, the comfort of the familiar and the potential for growth do exist in a dialectic. By embracing this dialectic, we can pay homage to the adaptive function of repetitive patterns while gently and persistently opening doors to new possibilities.