Psychological and Emotional Abuse

According to research, the occurrence of emotional and psychological abuse in romantic, interpersonal, and professional/workplace relationships is alarmingly high. Moreover, the impact of emotional and psychological abuse may be significant. The most common effects of being the victim*of emotional or psychological abuse include injuries to one’s self-esteem, anxiety, depression, paranoia, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), resorting to the use of primitive and ineffectual coping styles (e.g., substance abuse, social isolation, etc.), and, in some instances, continuing the abuse cycle by abusing others in turn.

Following a significant experience of abuse, individuals tend to find it more difficult to be trusting and vulnerable in relationships, and may withdrawal from intimacy. These are defensive strategies, sometimes unconsciously motivated; while they may work in the short term, reducing the risk of further emotional damage, they ultimately hijack opportunities for friendship, intimacy, and success in the long run.

Broadly defined, psychological abuserefers to attempts to confuse, alter, and ultimately control the cognitive/perceptual (thinking; reality testing) capacities of the victim. Gaslighting, for example, is a common psychological abuse strategy. As psychological abuse unfolds, the victim begins to doubt his or her appraisal of the perpetrator and the situation in which they are embedded. Whatever sense of conviction or assertiveness the victim previously had, including the ability to identify and listen to his or her intuition, gradually erodes. The victim becomes confused and uncertain, leaving him or her vulnerable to the influx of the biased, opinionated and manipulative ideas of the abuser.

Experts believe that psychological abuseis a smaller, more limited component of, and gateway mechanism toward, emotional abuse. As psychological abuse continues, the erosion of the victim’s perceptual and cogitative abilities leads to a dismantling of his or her self-esteem. This loss of self-esteem is usually what is meant by the term emotional abuse. Feelings of insecurity, excessive self-criticality, guilt, helplessness, shame, disempowerment, and even masochistic (self-damaging) tendencies set in as the victim comes to feel worthless. This toxic way of experiencing oneself is further exasperated by a corresponding view of the perpetrator as “special,” talented, worthy, and correct in his or her views and opinions.

The tell-tale sign of having sustained significant emotional abuse is the “brain fog” that characterizes the victim’s thinking and the paralysis of boundary- and limit-setting skills previously demonstrated by the victim.

Metaphorically, in situations of emotional abuse it’s as if the victim’s psychological immune system has become completely overridden by the abuser-virus. This virus now freely enters and proliferates the victim’s psyche and soul, supplanting the victim’s previously healthy self-esteem and positive self-regard with diseased notions of who the victim is and how he or she must act. The “infection” proceeds through the unfolding of disturbing relational dynamics that may run the gamut from subtle and mild forms of insinuation, influence, pressure and bullying, to the more extreme examples common in narcissist-codependent relationships, domestic abuse, and cults.

In my practice, I have worked with patients who have encountered psychological and emotional abuse yet have been highly successful professionally and well-boundaried in their interpersonal lives. It appears to be the case that one’s susceptibility to psychological and emotional abuse varies and may, for any number of reasons, wax and wane depending on the nature of the abuser, the contextual demands of the situation, and the psychological and emotional status of the victim at a particular time.

The most problematic cases of psychological and emotional abuse are those in which the abuse has unfolded gradually and insidiously. In these circumstances, the victim’s capacity to recognize what actually is happening is blocked or denied; moreover, if the abuse dynamic has settled into place, the victim has become well socialized to it, and may accept it and in some cases even defend it as the way things should be.

Psychotherapy often assists patients in finally acknowledging the abuse situation in which they are embedded. Once this occurs, movement is made toward assertive action that could help the patient reclaim his or her independence, dignity, and capacity to think and act for him- or herself.

A positive therapeutic outcomes functions much in the same way as successful medical intervention aids a patient who is fighting an aggressive virus: the therapist supports the patient’s own psychological immune system in order to fend off, and finally destroy, what has been propagated by the virulent source. To do this, the therapist seeks to capitalize on the patient’s inherent strengths, ego capacities, resilience, benign social supports, and inherent goodness to recalibrate the patient’s self-esteem and renew a sense of conviction in his or her feelings, perceptions and appraisals.

Ideally, if the therapeutic process goes well, the patient’s mind and soul become connected, and reconnected, in fortifying ways that ultimately enhance the quality of the patient’s relationships and increase the patient’s resistance to destructive interpersonal dynamics encountered in the future.

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* The term “victim” is becoming increasingly controversial. Trauma experts and social commentators argue that “victim” denotes an endless/timeless subjugation of the abused to the abuser, infusing the psychological effects of the trauma with an additional form of linguistic political/social abuse. The term “survivor” has been suggested as a more neutral and empowering alternative, one that emphasizes the constitution and resilience of the abused rather than his/her position as merely being “objectified” as the receptive target of the perpetrator’s actions. In my writing, I retain the term “victim” to ensure clarity of meaning for a wide audience, albeit with an acknowledgement of these linguistic and political controversies and the sensitivities inherent in the limitations of language.

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